Dear Undisclosed Company

Dear Undisclosed Company.                                      

 

I would like to take this opportunity to applaud you on your fabulous customer service.  You make me proud to be affiliated with a company so focused on excellence.

 

So many reasons that I feel blessed to have you be a part of my life….its a real challenge for me to even begin to share just a few of the ways your company effects my little life.

 

but let me give it a whirl….

 

My day began uneventful.  I was happy and content.  And then the mailman came.  Which was super awesome because who doesn’t want a letter pre approving them for a new credit card with a mere 28% interest and lots of hidden fees? I know it brightens my day every time. 

 

And that wasn’t  even the most exciting part….and I think you’d have to agree the bar was set pretty high with that.

 

I also received a letter from you too.  Well I guess it was more of a bill than a letter. But I felt that with yours there was level of sincerity that you just won’t get from every company.

 

So apparently I owed you a little money.  

 

Now I know how hard you work for me.  And I can appreciate how important it is to receive prompt payment for services rendered.  But ….and I’m not pointing fingers …..so just breathe…there appeared to be a wee discrepancy in a few of the charges.  Now please don’t be offended.  It is not my wish to upset or blame you in any way.  I just feel that in an effort to be honest and present my version of the subsequent events, that I should be specific as to what led me to give you a call.

 

BTW thank you for providing me with a toll free number.  

 

So after only a few rings…I was greeted by a friendly automated voice which asked me to choose French or English as my preferred dialect.  This becomes the tiniest bit ironic later in my story.

 

After pressing multiple numbers on my key pad and being hung up on twice I was treated with another automated voice indicating that ” you were experiencing higher than normal call volume and that my estimated wait time would be 23 minutes.. “. How you predicted how long I would be on hold to the very minute was nothing less than sheer genius.  Now not to be critical in any way but it did end up being closer to 57 minutes but the fact that you even tried to predict the future …well kudos to you.

 

While I waited I was treated to a lovely compilation of music that I just never would have chosen for myself.  Who doesn’t like a good old rendition of Barry Manillo’s Mandy?  And thank you for breaking in to the songs every thirty seconds to thank me for waiting.  How very polite.  Obviously you were raised right.  The fact that I am now looking at surgery for carpal tunnel injuries to my wrist….should in now way negate your efforts to not accommodate me.

 

And then ….like …a miracle…someone answered the phone.

 

I would love to tell you the persons name but in all honesty I nearly dropped the phone from the shock of an actual humans voice that I didn’t quite catch it.

 

Sadly this is where things took a bit of a turn…

 

The gentlemen spoke in a manner that led me to believe,that perhaps whilst I had thought I had chosen English as my preferred language, that I might have inadvertently chosen a third option…..which in all honestly I still have failed to identify..and I have tried…

 

Anyhoo. I tried my best to communicate.  I asked questions.  And to be fair I did receive responses….just not ones i could interpret.  After awhile….I asked to speak with another representative…as I thought we had come to a bit of an impasse. 

 

And after only 15 more minutes of splendiferous tunes that made me wonder where the person who chose to make me listen to this music lived had a soul…and if he had aligned himself with the devil…just thoughts I think when I am trying to stave of the monotony of Muzak.

 

And then a miracle …..a christmas miracle…A new human voice…exciting times I tell you.

 

Now here’s the sad part.  It seemed that whatever language the first gentleman spoke this new lady did as well.  And however difficult he was to understand …she took it to a whole other level.  I couldn’t even determine if she was even trying to speak English or if she had forgotten where she was and what She was supposed to be doing…

 

It strikes my odd …..and again I’m sure you have your reasons…but wouldn’t it make sense to hire customer service personnel who have a firm grasp on the language they are required to communicate in and comprehend?  

 

Anyway I’m a huge fan of out of the box thinkers and would love for you to share your thinking on the matter.  As long you could provide an interpreter or we could meet in person.  Just saying… should this problem be company wide we could at lease use gestures or crude drawings to make our individual points.

 

That being said in an effort to mitigate these challenges for your other valued customers I have decided in lieu of payment I will enclose some tapes on mastering the English language…you see outsourcing jobs to people who couldn’t locate Canada on a map and speak english about as well as my cat….might shave a few dollars from your bottom line ….but eventually you too might have to chat with them….and if and when that day comes and I sincerely hope it does…..may your wrist be strong and your hearing be selective….cause your in for a bit of a bumpy ride.

 

 

Best wishes

 

A non paying customer…