Archive for June 2015

The day time ran out   18 comments

It came without warning. The news.

It was not supposed to happen this way and definitely not at this moment. There were too many things left unsaid and unfinished. The reality of the message was too surreal for my brain to take in. The words once spoken could not be unheard and yet the realization of what it all meant seemed to come at me in waves. They still do even now, 3 weeks later.

In that instant it appeared that all the air had been vacuumed out of the room. I could not breathe nor could I comprehend the magnitude of the raw emotion that I felt. There were no words.

The phone had rung and all I heard her say was “your dad has passed.”

This can’t be right? There has been a mistake.

You see I was planning a trip to go and see him next weekend. We were going to plan our trip to England together. He was going to show me “his London”. I was supposed to go last year and the year before but I was too busy with work and my kids and my life to carve a week out to spend with him. I thought there would be more time. But there wasn’t.

The thing about time is that it seems to have a short shelf life and the supply never meets the demand.

My time with my dad had run out. There was no getting it back and that truth is as brutal as it gets.

I think I squandered my time. I wasted it on busyness. Not this weekend dad and not this time dad because we had that thing but we would definitely come to see you soon.

It feels lonely here now, knowing that he won’t be calling me 5 times a day to see how I’m doing. To ask the same questions over and over; and to hear him laugh and say that “his mind was going”, when I gently reminded him that we had spoken only a few hours ago. What would I give to hear him ask me these things just one more time?

Time. That’s what I’d give. My time.

Posted June 26, 2015 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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