Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Your Next President of the United States is….   7 comments



The countdown has begun. End of days? Maybe. Apocalypse? possibly. In my opinion the citizens of the United States are staring into the abyss…and the abyss due to its utter embarrassment is refusing to look back. I mean I assume it is…it’s not like the abyss and I are Facebook friends…but if I were the abyss I would be like…nope I can’t watch this…you people are officially on your own…it’s a pretty sad day if even the abyss won’t return your calls.

I’m speaking of course of the 2016 presidential election…or as I like to call it the battle between the bottom of the barrel and the sludge you might find stuck on the side of said barrel. I for one don’t envy their choices. How does one decide between a lying manipulative entitled garden gnome and an ignorant racist sexual predator with combed over troll hair? It’s not as easy as I make it sound..gnomes can make lovely lawn ornaments and trolls can manage bridge tolls and I assume also have working knowledge of expansive walls? Both have some, albeit limited, value.

So I would like to offer a third candidate. Now It’s a little unprecedented and I’m not entirely sure of the legalese of my suggestion but given the fact that this entire campaign has been run with the decorum of a Jerry Springer baby daddy reveal, I feel that the bar has been set so far underground it may or not have been reduced to molten steel.

That being said and without further ado I would like to introduce to you my mini dachshund chihuahua Wiggles and nominate her to be your next president of the United States of America. She has decided to select our Siamese cat Salem as her running mate as she feels that he rounds out the ticket with his ethnic diversity. Also it’s important to note that he has been neutered so he is unlikely to be a political liability with regards to any sexually deviant behaviour and the only “Bush” he hangs around is the one by our front door.

Some of you might be asking yourself what qualifies either of these four legged furry phenoms to be the leaders of the most powerful nation on earth? I say some of you because there is obviously a faction of individuals who believe that the lesser of 2 evils is the way they will be utilizing their constitutional right to vote on November 9th. If that isn’t just the saddest most demoralizing use of of democracy I don’t know what is?

Wiggles and Salem recognize how important it is to once again inspire and bring hope to your great nation and they are challenging all to cast their vote for the party of Barksalot and Purrsome..(working title only)

They are willing and currently able to leave their home in Canada and take on the most auspicious office in the free world. ( I say “currently” because Wiggles is of Mexican descent and Salem has been batting about the idea of adopting the muslim faith, so obviously their immigration status and freedom of religion may become a bit of a logistical nightmare if one of your current candidates wins the election) but I digress…

Their sacrifice of free healthcare and the ability interject “eh” and “I’m sorry” for no apparent reason is not something that they will easy part with. However it is their determination to reset the balance of democracy in favour of something a little less ridiculous that fuels their belief that they are the one true hope for your nation.
Also it’s important to note that Wiggles will absolutely release her tax returns and Salem has never been allowed to use our home server to access any of his work related emails.

If you could see Wiggles and Salem right now you’d see that their passion for governing is second only to their love of naps and snuggles. So it is with a humble heart I would like to give you this alternative on November 9th because a vote for Wiggles and Salem is a vote for furrmocracy.. And let’s face it isn’t that the best mock-racy there

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