Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag

If you don’t have a plan…how would you know what you should have been?   16 comments

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I am famous for the five year plan that runs into a huge snag about five minutes after its conception. In truth, I am not much of planner at all. I consider myself more of a proactive reactor, which basically means that I lightly pencil things in and when that doesn’t happen, I just bounce. It’s been working so far and as I always say if it ain’t broke ….it ain’t mine.

So where am I going with this?

Recently, I was listening/eavesdropping to a conversation between two moms at the mall. One of the ladies was talking about her son who is twenty-two and will be graduating from university next year. She said he had a very firm plan for the next ten years. He would get a job, buy a house, get married and have at least two children by the time he turned thirty. She said all this with great pride and without even the tiniest bit of hesitation.

I thought of my own life and could not help but wonder if a life could actually be lived with such efficiency?

Not my life obviously.

You see, at twenty-two I had a plan too. Not quite that structured but I definitely had a few core ideas that I was going to run with. First off, I was never going to get married or have any kids. I was going to be a journalist and travel the world. I was going to be fluent in at least three languages and live with two cats. My life would never be boring, and I would be the envy of all….other cat ladies.

So let’s reflect on how that plan fleshed out.

I am married with four children. I do remember telling my husband I wanted four cats, which is usually man repellant, but we were in a loud bar at the time, so I guess he misheard me and thought I said kids? I speak one language and can swear in three others. I have never traveled the world but I have Google Earth so that’s sort of the same. I never wrote a big story but I can write a heck of a grocery list. I live with one cat and three cat/dogs. My life is definitely not boring so I guess that worked out but as for being the envy of all, I think I would say, that I am more of a cautionary tale.

So was there a defining moment where my life plan took a u turn and ended up in opposite land? Probably. Does it matter? Probably not.

You see, the one thing I can always plan on, is that any plan I make usually ends up resembling a Picasso painting version of the original idea. That’s okay though, as I have never been a destination kind of a girl. I am all about the detours and roadblocks and I firmly believe that any life worth living should always be under construction or deconstruction depending on the day…which sort of explains a few of my other posts.

Posted October 15, 2014 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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The universe loves to laugh….at me.   11 comments

Once again, my illusionary world, or as it is sometimes called, my delusionary world, just crashed into my reality like a bull in a china shop. I have always been a glass half full kind a girl but from time to time, I believe the universe likes to test my resolve. It starts out with small, seemingly insignificant blips and blunders that miraculously seem to manifest into mountains of mayhem in mere moments.

I believe I have now identified my mistake. I became overconfident, mildly complacent and even a tad bit content. The universe apparently decided that I was much more exciting and entertaining when I am none of those things. There also seems to be a bit of a reoccurring theme to my life over the past 12 months so it would appear that it (the universe) has a favorite genre.

So without further ado, I will begin my tale.

This morning I awoke to the death of yet another appliance. My refrigerator apparently decided to take its own life in the middle of the night. Sadly, it took a lot of our food with it; which is why I am calling this a murder suicide. I will probably never get over the carnage I discovered when I opened up my tub of Haagen Daz. It’s still too painful to talk about. I am crying as I write this.

I am loathed to admit I did not see it coming.

It showed no signs of depression. There were none of the usual red flags. I like to think that if I had known it was feeling down that I would have gotten it some help – called someone or arranged an intervention with some of the other appliances. I’m not saying they would have been able to intervene in a meaningful way, but maybe they could have talked it down off the ledge. If only it had stopped to consider the impact its death would have on my matching appliances and how a lack of this will inevitably impact my resell value.

Suicide is such a selfish act.

Miraculously we were able to replace it the same day. I know that might sound callous but we all grieve differently. Don’t judge me for moving on – applaud me for letting go.

Our new fridge is a beauty. It’s spacious, shiny and seems very well adjusted. At first I thought the others might not accept it as one of their own; but the stove gave it its leftovers from dinner tonight like they had been best friends since birth. I am not sure I have had a prouder moment.

We did hit a snag or three during the installation process which may or may not have led to the deconstruction of some solid oak railing, ceramic tile and the removal of some ill positioned cupboards.

I am not ready to discuss all that at this time as there is only so much one human can endure in a weekend and I maxed out on that with the murder of my caramel cone ice cream. I promise you, when I am stronger, I will over share all the repercussions of our latest failure to utilize a measuring tape.

Posted October 4, 2014 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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THE TRUTH IS……IS I CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH   29 comments

One of things I like to do to relax is watch TV. I would like to sound more cerebral and say in my spare time I enjoy reading Proust and listening to foreign language tapes. But that would be a lie and I try not to lie unless I’m discussing my age or my weight.

I’ve just realized that I’m going to have to Google Proust before I submit this because I have no idea how to spell his name or who he is or even if he is actually a he. I also have no idea why reading him/her is supposed to make me seem intelligent. Now it looks like I’ll probably have to go on Wikipedia to figure that one out. This is starting to sound like more work than I have time for at the moment. I may need a nap.

Now where was I? Oh yes watching the boob tube.

My life philosophy up until that point was never to over think after 8pm. Much like eating after 7 pm it’s just ill advised. That’s why I love TV. It’s simple predictable and generally requires little to no thought.

So there I was all curled up cozy waiting for my favorite sitcom to seduce me into believing it was funny when the most unimaginable thing happened. No, it wasn’t preempted and replaced with a state of union address. It was much worse. I had lost my remote and I was instantly transformed into crisis mode. You see, if I couldn’t locate the remote I would have to……..watch commercials.

I know you feel my pain and can empathize. It’s probably happened to most everyone at some time or another and I do recall a time when we had no choice but to just push through it. However now that I’ve been sampled on this blissful new technology that allows me to control when and what I watch…it’s simply unfathomable to be forced back to the dark days of yore.

So I had a decision to make. I could get up and root around in the dark like a desperate raccoon putting my hands into the deep recesses of couches and finding things that should remain lost. Or I could pull up my big girl panties and brave the insipid onslaught of shameless advertising. Seeing as I wasn’t sure if my tetanus shot was up to date I decided on the latter.

My show began and 9 minutes later we paused for our first commercial break. It started innocently enough. Your average run of the mill cell service providers, a friendly accommodating insurance company ( that one actually made me laugh at the irony) and so on. A mere 2 1/2 minutes later I was returned back to the sweet soothing sounds of canned laughter. I felt ok and I thought I was coping well with this archaic remoteless experience.

Then it took a wee turn.

The ad started out with some poor woman tossing and turning. The commentators voice spoke soothingly to assure me that there was hope for her restless nights. I was feeling good and hopeful that this woman’s suffering would soon end. She sounded so lovely and caring. There were butterfly’s and everyone was smiling. And then….

This same blissful lovingly calm voice started reciting the laundry list of side effects that could potentially occur. It was quite simply horrifying. Her melodic tone told tale of the increased risk of violent episodes, irrational thoughts, suicidal thoughts, anaphylactic shock, heart attack or stroke, liver damage and death just to name a few. All of these things could occur while using this drug that the FDA in its infinite wisdom had approved for joe public. This was madness. Who needs sleep so bad that after listening to this thinks to themselves: ‘I’m just going to roll the dice.’

This seemed unconscionable. I called to my husband and started ranting about the absurdity of it all. I went on and on and felt I was on the verge of writing a strongly worded letter to someone. He just nodded and politely agreed. He asked how I had heard of this drug and I told him I’d seen a commercial. His eyes grew wide with shock and he asked why on earth I would do such a thing? I told him I lost the remote and how it all just fell apart after that.

He told me to calm down, that we would find the remote and attach it to a cinder block and it would never leave us again. I felt better. Not fluttering blue butterfly better but better none the less. I guess I’m just one of those people who can’t handle the truth in advertising…even when it’s sugar coated with pretty flying insects. Now throw in a cute kitten playing by a rainbow and all bets are off. Oh no…have I said too much?

PS. I just googled Proust and feel slightly more intelligent.

 

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Posted January 30, 2014 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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