The day time ran out   18 comments

It came without warning. The news.

It was not supposed to happen this way and definitely not at this moment. There were too many things left unsaid and unfinished. The reality of the message was too surreal for my brain to take in. The words once spoken could not be unheard and yet the realization of what it all meant seemed to come at me in waves. They still do even now, 3 weeks later.

In that instant it appeared that all the air had been vacuumed out of the room. I could not breathe nor could I comprehend the magnitude of the raw emotion that I felt. There were no words.

The phone had rung and all I heard her say was “your dad has passed.”

This can’t be right? There has been a mistake.

You see I was planning a trip to go and see him next weekend. We were going to plan our trip to England together. He was going to show me “his London”. I was supposed to go last year and the year before but I was too busy with work and my kids and my life to carve a week out to spend with him. I thought there would be more time. But there wasn’t.

The thing about time is that it seems to have a short shelf life and the supply never meets the demand.

My time with my dad had run out. There was no getting it back and that truth is as brutal as it gets.

I think I squandered my time. I wasted it on busyness. Not this weekend dad and not this time dad because we had that thing but we would definitely come to see you soon.

It feels lonely here now, knowing that he won’t be calling me 5 times a day to see how I’m doing. To ask the same questions over and over; and to hear him laugh and say that “his mind was going”, when I gently reminded him that we had spoken only a few hours ago. What would I give to hear him ask me these things just one more time?

Time. That’s what I’d give. My time.

Posted June 26, 2015 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

18 responses to “The day time ran out

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  1. ❤ ❤ ❤
    So sorry for your loss.

  2. I am so sorry, my heart is with you.

  3. I don’t know what to say except I have to believe they are still here with us on levels we can’t know. I am so sorry to read this post. My father went unexpectedly and we had been fighting. I’ve apologized a million times to empty chairs in therapist’s offices. But I’m still sorry. Take good care of yourself right now.

  4. So sorry to hear about your Dad’s death – and your feeling of having missed some opportunities to be with him. Losing a parent – no matter how we or they are leaves a very strange feeling of aloneness.
    Treasure the times you had and the love you shared.

    Wise people have said each time we say goodbye we should say it as though it was our last time together. One day it is.
    I hope you have wonderful memories of the good times and can remember the opportunities you did take.


  5. I’m so sorry for your loss!

  6. So sorry.. what a loss.. thank you for sharing.

  7. Thank you for reminding us about what really is important even in the middle of your mourning. I’m sorry for your loss!

  8. ❤ I'm so sorry for your loss. And thank you for sharing this with us. Such a great reminder to remember what is truly important. ((Hug))

  9. Very well written. So sorry for your loss.

  10. Sorry for your loss. May each positive memory be a blessing to you.

  11. I lost my dad a year and a had ago– I know the no words provide comfort, true comfort. Whether you focus on the positive or the negative, you can’t bring him back. So eff it- let yourself think about whichever you need in the moment…

  12. So very sorry for your loss. What you are feeling is so familiar with me. I think we all figure we have all the time in the world, and when a loved one passes, it brings reality crashing in upon us. Take care of yourself.

  13. I wasted it on busyness

    So well put.

  14. I’m very sorry for your loss. Heart-wrenching post.

  15. I wish I had something profound to say to make you feel better. If such a thing were possible, I would have written the book and become a billionaire. It is the elusive answer to the question we all ask. The one thing I do tell folks is not to beat yourself up too much. Chances are you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Since we are human, we are not perfect by our nature. Hang in there.

  16. I’m so sorry for your loss and can most definitely relate. Peace to you.

  17. I’m so sorry for your loss. My condolences.

  18. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’ve had time to stop beating yourself up for what might have been and start remembering what was.

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