Archive for December 2013

If This Is An Emergency, Hang Up and Dial 911… I’m Busy Being Zen   12 comments

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The phone is ringing. I hate that. I’m sitting here trying to medicate…I mean meditate…(Don’t judge your not here, you don’t know) and this obnoxious trill invades my solace. How dare it? It’s like it knows exactly when to call. That exact moment when I have 3-4 minutes of free time to do exactly as I please.

It rings and rings and at first I’m all like, “forget you, leave a message and I’ll call you back when your busy doing nothing, see how you like it!” Then I feel guilty that it could be one of my friends trapped under something heavy and they have only 1 minute of battery life left in their phone and I am their only chance at survival. And then I think what an idiot move that would be on there part because I have very poor upper body strength and the chances I could lift this object off of them would be next to zero. So they die anyway.

Then I’d have to live with that guilt because I couldn’t finish the P90x work outs and as if living with that shame isn’t punishment enough. So thanks “friend”. Hope you enjoy the afterlife knowing you caused me to eat my feelings and further exasperate my inability to meet my fitness goals.

Why would you call me anyway? I have a 10 digit phone number…911 is like 3. This makes no sense at all. Call someone whose job it is to save you. They get paid to do that shit. I mean there is probably some union of rescue workers that I would have to join, and dues I’d have to pay. Not to mention I would probably need to take a course to become certified in performing CPR or tracheotomies or whatever the hell your current crisis requires of me.

I’m not even sure if my health insurance would cover me if I sustained an injury while trying to help you. And then where would I be? Did you ever once think about that? How does this little cry for help of yours effect me financially. You do remember I witnessed your last will and testament and there was no mention of compensation for me. This all seems a little selfish if you ask me. Why don’t you call the cat shelter you left that big donation to and see if they’ll send over some of your feline friends to assist you in your time of need?

The phone finally stops ringing. I don’t have caller ID because it’s the house phone and everyone who knows me at all just calls my cell. So it probably wasn’t a friend slowly succumbing to certain death while I played out that crazy rant in my head. I feel quite relieved actually. Like a real weight has been lifted off of me ( ironic I know) anyway I’m going to take the phone off the hook and go back to my meditation. I feel such inner peace when I connect with my spiritual side. It’s so important to just quiet the mind for awhile and just breathe.

Exhale.

Oh for the love of Christmas….the doorbells ringing.

 

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Posted December 31, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

7 Reasons I Refuse To Make New Years Resolutions   9 comments

 

 

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I refuse to make any New Years resolutions this year. Why would I? Why should I? You can’t make me. And I’m not gonna. I have my reasons. See below.

1. I have no follow through. Unless you count not making resolutions because I fully intend to follow through on that. So I guess I have selective follow through, like my children have selective hearing.

2. I am already perfect, with the exception of all of my flaws which I consider necessary and rather endearing. There are those that might disagree but that’s maybe something they can resolve to live with.

3. I refuse to change. I’ll make change…you know if you need some quarters for the meter or something, but the change sounds quite horrific. Hot sweats, irritability, hair loss, who came up with this fresh hell? And why would one want actively decide to do this? No thank you sir..I’ll take a pass on this.

4. I’m really busy right now. If I take on more thing I might have to give up some things I actually like to do. Like sleeping or practicing sarcasm on my cat.

5. I have a fear of failure. I don’t really. I’m actually quite good at it and have recently decided that while some might see failure as a flaw, I see it as a well honed skill. I wish I could get paid to fail at stuff…I’d be really wealthy.

6. I have been known in the past to set unrealistic goals. Like being the first wife to not fake orgasm. I really tried…but there was this show I really wanted to watch and I heard the toast pop….so yeah..

7. I’m not a fan of pressure. Unless it is applied by the skillful hands of a licensed masseuse.

It’s not like I’m apposed to setting goals and striving to achieve them. I just like to set the bar in my life on the low side. So I set small goals for myself like remember to breathe and to try and not to fall asleep while driving again. While success is not always achieved it is certainly, in these instances, worthy of pursuing.

So if you are out there today pondering how to be the best you in 2014 remember this. You are already the sum total of all the mistakes, missteps, missed trains, misfortunes and missed goals of your past….and all of these perceived fails and falters have defined the human you were meant to be right now in this moment. Life isn’t about wishing for something better to happen to you tomorrow it’s about feeling better about who you are today.

Happy New Year Everyone!

 

 

 

 

Posted December 31, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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There’s nothing to read here…   13 comments

I have just had the most brilliant epiphany ….I’ve decided to quit my job and win the lottery…..wait a minute….is that right?……oh crackers….damn my dyslexia….that sounded much better in my head. Upon further reflection I have now decided that I will quit my job after I win the lottery. This makes more fiduciary sense but lacks the exciting profoundness of my first statement. You should go back to what you were doing….There is clearly nothing of ant interest to read here.

Posted December 31, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

My Mommy Evolution   17 comments

If I’m feeling lazy and decide to do nothing today will my house burn down? Will my children starve? Will news of my inertia make the nightly news? Probably not. With the exception of a potential house fire, which of course would make me snap to attention, rally the troops and channel my inner rescue ranger. But if there was no fire. If the children could locate the place where we keep the food….I’d leave out bread crumbs…cause obviously I wouldn’t be cleaning my house either. If I closed the blinds to nosey lookie loos who might be all judgey. Would I be able to take a day off?

Probably not.

But why not? you ask…(unless you are a parent and then you just inherently understand the ridiculousness of the quest.) You can all stop laughing now.

For the rest of you…The answer is simple. It is impossible for me to stop. Since I gave birth to my 4 wonderful little gene pool compilations I’ve been genetically re coded to mommy mode.

I remember days where I relished in quiet calm meditation. Where the loudest thing in the room was the sound of my own breath. Now when my house is quiet….I quite literally panic. What are they up to? What did they break, spill, tear or destroy? Why are there no sounds of little feet fleeing the screech of another’s fury? What are they up to? Or worse yet….what are they planning?

So now silence is the enemy. It is to be feared not fathomed.

Nothing sends me into mommy mode faster than the quiet. Not that it’s ever really quiet where I live, we even sleep loud. ( *See previous post). So you can see why a noiseless house would cause me no end of trepidation. It’s not normal and things that are not normal are generally not relaxing.

You might think me paranoid. That I have an unreasonable fear of letting go and letting god. So let me share some fun facts that have happened in our house when all seemed quiet on the western front.

I once left a green permanent marker unattended on my kitchen counter and went to answer the phone. When I returned 5 minutes later my 3 year old son had demonstrated his artistic talents all over my oak cupboards.

Another time I left an empty coffee mug next to my laptop computer and went downstairs to put some clothes in the dryer. When I came back upstairs one of precious offspring had filled the mug with water from the fridge and poured it all over the keyboard. That was a fun day!

And I could go on. And on. And on, because for awhile there I was a pretty slow learner.

It didn’t break me though….it made me stronger smarter faster. It gave me super powers. I have bionic hearing and spidey senses that tingle when things are amiss. I am Santa. I know when they are sleeping and when they are awake. They cannot tell a lie because I have convinced them I can see a purple dot on their forehead when they do. Only mommies and daddy’s can see the dot. It’s magic. They sometimes hold their hands on their head when sharing a “truth” which as any good poker player knows is an obvious “tell”.

My life as a mother has made me believe in evolution. I have had to constantly adapt to my circumstances, learn from my mistakes, anticipate potential threats, and practice my game face. I have stared boldly into a 6 year olds face while he explained to me how he had nothing to do with the fact that the cat no longer had any whiskers. Did I blink? No. Did I show emotion? I’m no amateur. Did I wait patiently and silently until he broke down and admitted he had given Cocoa a haircut. You bet I did.

But all this skill and aptitude came at a price. Lazy pyjama days curled up with a good book are no longer an option. I used to think it would get easier when they got older. It doesn’t. It just gets different. My daughter recently got her drivers license so now if she’s out with the car I spend my down time flinching every time the phone rings or someone knocks on the door. Sure I’m paranoid, I’m a parent who loves my children.

I gotta go. I just heard a crash followed by a “I’m telling”. Good times!

 

 

 

 

 

Posted December 29, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

Our new baby   5 comments

Our new baby

When you’re this cute ….words are just superfluous.

Posted December 29, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

My IPhone and I Have Decided To Separate   7 comments

Last night I told iPhone we needed to start seeing other people. It was not an easy decision to make and I am still quite conflicted about it. But I believe that we will, in time, both be better off. You see lately we have been in each others face constantly.

iPhone rings and I come running. iPhone texts and I reach for him like my very life depends on reading his latest epiphany. Which is sad because he is a very lazy writer, and often would only use emoticons to communicate with me. Sometimes it just felt like he was phoning our relationship in.

We were never farther than 3 feet apart and if we ever were, I became a little anxious. What if he was lost? What if I got lost? He always knew where I was, but often times he would disappear for an hour or so and I would have no idea where he was. I’d look everywhere for him. I’d call him but he never answered. I’d imagine him with someone else. It was terrifying. And then he would just show up under a car seat or at some coffee shop that we’d go to from time to time. He’d act all innocent as if it were my fault he’d gone away. That’s not how you treat someone you care about. Is it?

He made me paranoid and co dependent. I was constantly thinking?..What if I missed his call? What if he sent me an instant message and I didn’t respond right away? Would he be mad? Would he think I was mad at him? He was one part slave one part master. I was slowly losing my sense of self. I relied on him for everything. Where should i eat? What time do I have to be there. He was my weatherman, my music man, my Instagram and my mailman all rolled up in one.

We had no secrets. He knew more about my cycle than my gynaecologist. He told me where to go and how long to stay. He made sure I was never lost, late or lunchless. Anytime I needed to know anything from the population of Singapore to when my flight would arrive he was always there with all the answers. It bordered on the obnoxious. I mean who is that smart? It’s not natural. Honestly he made me feel a bit dim when we were together. And who wants to feel like the village idiot when you’re spending time with your significant other.

He frequently knew what I was going to say or write before I did. I used to hate how he was always correcting me in little passive aggressive ways by saying things like “did you mean psychiatrist?” When I would accidentally hit a wrong key on his keyboard. And it’s not as if he was the best speller either. He never once spelled or pronounced my name correctly. It’s Janyce not Janice and stop underlining it as if I don’t know how to spell my own name. The nerve of him!

The truth of it is, it’s my own fault. I have to own the fact that I failed to set healthy boundaries. I willingly gave up my personal power to him and lived a life based solely on his prompts and cues. I was his well trained seal and found myself at the mercy of his every tweet. But that’s all over now. I don’t need him anymore. He can go auto correct some other girl because he and I are through.

And don’t tell him but I’ve actually been seeing someone new. We met on line …who doesn’t these days? Anyway he moved in with me yesterday and he is exactly what I need. I real breath of fresh air. He is younger than iPhone was and all my friends are so jealous. His name is iPad Air ….and I don’t want to jinx it but I think he might be the “one”.

Posted December 27, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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I Am Not Invisible….Am I?   28 comments

 

My life is loud. I have one husband, 4 children, 3 dogs, and a cat. We also have two fish named Ethel and Fred and an algae eater named Oscar but they are generally pretty quiet. Most days my house literally vibrates from dawn until around 10pm. It is probably still loud after 10 o’ clock, however, I am usually sound asleep by then and would probably sleep through a zombie apocalypse.

Our kids range in age from 10 to 18 years and they have been making noise since about 5 minutes after conception. Our only daughter is the eldest and then we have 3 boys. I don’t know what she did in a past life to deserve them sometimes, but if I had to guess, I would say either she was a slum lord or a very unscrupulous used car salesperson. A little lesson for you…. Karma is apparently forever and quite unforgiving. But I digress.

Being part of a fairly large family, by today’s standards, it is sometimes challenging to control the volume of our existence. To be honest I’m not entirely sure we would even be capable of locating our mute button. Much like unicorns and ogopogos the entire concept of indoor voices and silence seems almost mythical.

So between dogs barking, music blaring, unwatched televisions blasting endless laugh tracks, my husbands air compressor ( which will inexplicably turn itself on for no apparent reason…usually between 2am and 4 am) my sons screaming at their xbox and my yelling for everyone to turn it all down. We are the very definition of a life lived on full blast and in stereo.

I blame myself. Why wouldn’t I? I set the tone. Unfortunately the tone is set at ten. My excuse is simple. My family is incapable of hearing the sound of my voice. I am essentially white noise, elevator music, a sad pantomime in the middle of a dark theater. My regular voice, that ironically is quite audible to those to whom I am not related, to my children, is completely ineffectual.

Now I should qualify that. If I was to say ” who wants their allowance?” In a voice so low that it would barely register to the human ear they will magically appear at my side before I even have time to complete my next thought. However if I was to say “whose turn is it to take out the garbage?” In my regular voice to 4 children within 3 feet of my person, I will generally receive the blank looks usually reserved for those speaking to them in a foreign language.

So how do I respond? Simple. I raise the level of my voice…not right away of course. I try and practice self control. After all we do have neighbours. But there is that limit, that line in the sand that once it has been breached there is no going back. So after I feel there has been a reasonable period of time (usually 1-2 minutes) between request and response and I have received nothing. I feel compelled on an almost cellular level to raise the decibel of my voice to its maximum vocal capacity. This is more commonly known as a yell or a scream depending on the seriousness of the situation.

Am I proud of this? Of course not. Do I live in a constant shame spiral of parenting despair? Sure I do. Do I anticipate Dr. Phil’s producers to approach me to come on his show to stage an intervention. Every single day. Is my voice sometimes so hoarse I talk like I have a 2 pack a day smoking habit? Yes. But what is the solution?

I LIVE A LIFE THAT REQUIRES ALL CAPS COMMUNICATION.

I know in my heart of hearts I am not the only parent in the known universe that fails to censure themselves in the heat of the moment. I have heard the quiet whispers at mommy and me classes that speak of stories similar to mine. I’ve been to Walmart and I’ve dined at McDonald’s. I’ve seen and bared witness to parents whose children have exposed their last nerve and laughed gleefully while doing so. I’m not saying children are bad I’m just saying they seem to casually push our buttons like they are playing with Wii remotes.

So if you are a parent that has experienced the pain and disillusionment that comes from years and years of unrequited validation. I, for one, would like to take this opportunity to validate you. I heard you. I understand. I know you said it in your Barney voice 17 times before you lost your mind and screamed it out in a voice usually reserved for air craft carrier landing strips. I can appreciate how soul sucking it can be to live in a house where unless you are handing out food or money you are about as noticed as a ghost. I get it and I am on your side.

Now I am sure there are psychologists who can present me a litany of useful tools that can equip me with more positive coping strategies. I know these will emphasize the importance of patience and positive reinforcement when dealing with children who are listening challenged. I understand all this. I’ve read the books and I am familiar with Oprah. It’s just that in my house if you aren’t living out loud in techno colour crazy you may get mistaken for a potted plant that never gets watered because some kid says and I quote ” I never heard you ask me to do that.”

 

Posted December 27, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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Tea first, panic later.

One girl's story of fighting mental illness in the big city