Archive for September 2013

Dear Undisclosed Company   1 comment

Dear Undisclosed Company.                                      Image

 
I would like to take this opportunity to applaud you on your fabulous customer service.  You make me proud to be affiliated with a company so focused on excellence.
 
So many reasons that I feel blessed to have you be a part of my life….its a real challenge for me to even begin to share just a few of the ways your company effects my little life.
 
but let me give it a whirl….
 
My day began uneventful.  I was happy and content.  And then the mailman came.  Which was super awesome because who doesn’t want a letter pre approving them for a new credit card with a mere 28% interest and lots of hidden fees? I know it brightens my day every time. 
 
And that wasn’t  even the most exciting part….and I think you’d have to agree the bar was set pretty high with that.
 
I also received a letter from you too.  Well I guess it was more of a bill than a letter. But I felt that with yours there was level of sincerity that you just won’t get from every company.
 
So apparently I owed you a little money.  
 
Now I know how hard you work for me.  And I can appreciate how important it is to receive prompt payment for services rendered.  But ….and I’m not pointing fingers …..so just breathe…there appeared to be a wee discrepancy in a few of the charges.  Now please don’t be offended.  It is not my wish to upset or blame you in any way.  I just feel that in an effort to be honest and present my version of the subsequent events, that I should be specific as to what led me to give you a call.
 
BTW thank you for providing me with a toll free number.  
 
So after only a few rings…I was greeted by a friendly automated voice which asked me to choose French or English as my preferred dialect.  This becomes the tiniest bit ironic later in my story.
 
After pressing multiple numbers on my key pad and being hung up on twice I was treated with another automated voice indicating that ” you were experiencing higher than normal call volume and that my estimated wait time would be 23 minutes.. “. How you predicted how long I would be on hold to the very minute was nothing less than sheer genius.  Now not to be critical in any way but it did end up being closer to 57 minutes but the fact that you even tried to predict the future …well kudos to you.
 
While I waited I was treated to a lovely compilation of music that I just never would have chosen for myself.  Who doesn’t like a good old rendition of Barry Manillo’s Mandy?  And thank you for breaking in to the songs every thirty seconds to thank me for waiting.  How very polite.  Obviously you were raised right.  The fact that I am now looking at surgery for carpal tunnel injuries to my wrist….should in now way negate your efforts to not accommodate me.
 
And then ….like …a miracle…someone answered the phone.
 
I would love to tell you the persons name but in all honesty I nearly dropped the phone from the shock of an actual humans voice that I didn’t quite catch it.
 
Sadly this is where things took a bit of a turn…
 
The gentlemen spoke in a manner that led me to believe,that perhaps whilst I had thought I had chosen English as my preferred language, that I might have inadvertently chosen a third option…..which in all honestly I still have failed to identify..and I have tried…
 
Anyhoo. I tried my best to communicate.  I asked questions.  And to be fair I did receive responses….just not ones i could interpret.  After awhile….I asked to speak with another representative…as I thought we had come to a bit of an impasse. 
 
And after only 15 more minutes of splendiferous tunes that made me wonder where the person who chose to make me listen to this music lived had a soul…and if he had aligned himself with the devil…just thoughts I think when I am trying to stave of the monotony of Muzak.
 
And then a miracle …..a christmas miracle…A new human voice…exciting times I tell you.
 
Now here’s the sad part.  It seemed that whatever language the first gentleman spoke this new lady did as well.  And however difficult he was to understand …she took it to a whole other level.  I couldn’t even determine if she was even trying to speak English or if she had forgotten where she was and what She was supposed to be doing…
 
It strikes my odd …..and again I’m sure you have your reasons…but wouldn’t it make sense to hire customer service personnel who have a firm grasp on the language they are required to communicate in and comprehend?  
 
Anyway I’m a huge fan of out of the box thinkers and would love for you to share your thinking on the matter.  As long you could provide an interpreter or we could meet in person.  Just saying… should this problem be company wide we could at lease use gestures or crude drawings to make our individual points.
 
That being said in an effort to mitigate these challenges for your other valued customers I have decided in lieu of payment I will enclose some tapes on mastering the English language…you see outsourcing jobs to people who couldn’t locate Canada on a map and speak english about as well as my cat….might shave a few dollars from your bottom line ….but eventually you too might have to chat with them….and if and when that day comes and I sincerely hope it does…..may your wrist be strong and your hearing be selective….cause your in for a bit of a bumpy ride.
 
 
Best wishes
 
A non paying customer…
 
 
 
 

Posted September 17, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

  1 comment

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Dear Awesome Driver

Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your parade today. Had I known I would have covered my car in balloons and hired a clown. Youre probably right…The posted speed limit of 80 km is obviously just a suggestion. Much more fun to go 60km….

 

No don’t give me a second thought… I had nowhere to be and no schedule to keep so it was just all sunshine and daisies.

 

But you know the best part…..when you finally discovered what happens when you apply pressure to your right pedal….you were able to speed up and go 20 km over the speed limit in the only passing lane for 18km.

 

That was really impressive. …Way to keep us all guessing…although my guess is….and I am almost certain I am bang on…you’re a Total jackass.

signed Me

Posted September 17, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

Dear Telephone Marketer   1 comment

Dear Telephone Marketer

First off you’re wicked awesome don’t let anyone say anything different. I just wanted to give you a proper shout out because I think you get kind of a bad rap. Sure you call at dinner time and ramble on for a full 3 minutes before pausing for a breath or requiring a responses. But how amazing is that…

 

I once held my breath in an outhouse for a full minute and I got to be honest I darn near passed out….although there could have been a gas leak that contributed to my near death experience ….but still.

 

And sure you are reading from a script and often fail to make the appropriate affect when delivering your speech….but look at you …you are a reader…good for you!!!!

 

And I would be remiss in mentioning the fact that you literally will not take “not interested” as an acceptable response…..way to be a go getter.

 

It seems to me that with all of these attributes ( gifts really) you could perhaps find a way to make a living where you could be just a little less irritating to the general populous….not talking about myself…cause I got nothin but love for you…it’s just that I hear talk…and I am not gonna lie to you…..you fall somewhere between pond scum and politician on the likeability scale.

 

Anyway gotta run I’m late for work and my phone is ringing…hey maybe it’s you!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted September 16, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

That Sounded Really Messy….Lets Just Move….   Leave a comment

You know that moment when you know without a doubt something is a bad idea…..and you say….”hey hold up there chief..that there is one really bad idea”. But its like you’re just talking to yourself and then they just go ahead and do it anyway? Yeah I’m livin that dream right now. I need a fricken Ativan. Pray for me and my kitchen.

 

He’s got a jigsaw and apparently is not afraid to use it. I just wanted clean dishes. I think I’m going to throw up. Stop the insanity. How fast can I rally an intervention? It’s probably too late. The buzzing has stopped but there is some residual pounding. I know it’s going to be bad. He is laughing nervously. I won’t look and you can’t make me.

 

I think we should probably just put the house on the market. It’s been dying a slow death with us for years. It deserves better than we can give it. I’m sure there is a family out there that will treat it with respect and love. They won’t go off half cocked using power tools all willy nilly. They will hire professional tradesman that will give them vague estimates on how long the job will take and grossly over charge them. Cause that’s the way it’s supposed to be and there was a time not long ago that people just accepted it.

 

When did everyone start believing they could fix everything themselves? I blame the Internet and those crazy home Reno shows on TV…this is madness I tell you …just plain madness

 

It’s quiet now. Maybe it isn’t as bad as I think. I can be a bit dramatic. I know …hard to believe. Just the same. I think I’ll wait till dark to look. Everything looks better in low light….

Posted September 16, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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Posted September 12, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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Posted September 12, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

The Strategic Engineering of the Bathing Suit   Leave a comment

Question: should bathing suits ( ridiculous name btw) ***be more expensive when they are merely a suggestion? Meaning when the coverage of said bathing suit is not much more than a pasty and a bit of string? Is it the strategic engineering of the garment that drives the cost? I’m thinking it must be….I bet that there is a plethora ( word of the day…your welcome) of scientists held up in lab somewhere probably Germany ( world famous for their engineering capabilities) coming up with these designs that quite frankly must involve witchcraft or prayer to keep them from revealing all the secrets of a woman’s nether regions. And while I applaud there efforts….geniuses and nothing less….it begs the question what’s the point? If you are willing to pay an enormous amount of money for the mere illusion of a swim suit and have that kind of disposable income I would like to invite you over to my house to see my new zoo…..we have invisible unicorns,invisible snufflufigus and our world famous ( pending ) invisible aquarium where you can enjoy the gentle frolicking of our very own invisible Ogopogo ( three shows a day every day) small charge of only $100 per attraction.

Hours of operation pending approval from the district of summerland. However I will be taking per bookings and am a big fan of cash!

Posted September 12, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

A Simple Quest….   Leave a comment

So what began as an innocent request for cleaner dishes…..has quickly evolved or devolved depending on ones perspective. I am remaining positive and steadfast in my commitment to this new chaos. The reasoning behind this is simple…we are idiots.

 

In a good relationship there needs to be two opposing forces that can create balance. For example one partner can be a spendthrift as long as the other partner still has a framed picture of the first dollar they ever made. Simply put there must be a yoda to every Darth Vader.. unfortunately with Vance and I ..one of us is lighting the fire while the other is pouring the gasoline. We don’t know when to leave well enough alone…

 

So strap in for the ride kids. We got our tool belts locked and loaded and there is no looking back…we will take no prisoners and we will leave no tile unturned. If there is paint in the can when we’ve finished then someone forgot to let in the dogs. What Resh home improvement project ( again please appreciate the optimism…doctor said the meds would help…and they do ….they really do!  would be complete without a set of paw prints tracked from one end of the house to the other? Peace out

 

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Posted September 12, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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Friends country men/women lend me an ear…..I need you all to do me a solid…if I ever and I do mean ever …mention that I’m going to paint again…would you please stage some sort of intervention…nothing elaborate just a friendly yet strongly worded reminder that painting is well beyond my skillset. Painting and I are not well suited for one another.

 

When I paint its like I lose all control…and it ends up,looking like I had some sort of epileptic event with a can of paint and a wall. …and a floor and the dog…and every inch of my body….in fact if there is a square inch of surface that has somehow not managed to be profoundly scarred by my brush it must have somehow happened by divine intervention….

 

I start off so well intended …I have full protective painter suit, gloves, masking tape ( I confess I do get a we bit lackadaisical with that after a few feet….not my fault..tape is less than spectacular) I have plastic drop to cover the floor. I literally spare no expense in my prep work as I’m a planner by nature and I like things to go well.

 

Unfortunately regardless of all my effort and careful planning the evil pull of gravity wins the day…suffice it to say…that while each of us is gifted in many a different way..the ability to have paint meet wall and little else was not something I was genetically predisposed for. I have to leave you now as I must try and figure out if the colour yellow aka #11135 is something I can make work as a new hair colour or if I need to call my hairdresser in the morning…I really just wanted cleaner dishes…sad face…Image

Posted September 12, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

I would like to apologize for……   1 comment

I am appalled by my grammar. I know you probably are too. I use the …… a lot I know. Should there have been a comma in there somewhere? Probably? I may also have reinvented the run on sentence and could someone please explain to me what the hell you use a semi colon for? See what I did there….classic example of the sentence that put on a pair of sneakers and went for a jog. Anyway what the semi colon? cause I got nothing…with the exception of using them in emails that require me to send to multiple recipients….I need an editor. Or maybe some remedial English courses…. There I go again with the ……I use the…..for dramatic pause and comedic timing purposes….or sometimes accidentally when one of pets walks across my keyboard.

 

You know what else I suck at….spelling. Which is why I am mostly grateful for spellcheck. I say mostly because sometimes in an effort to be more gangster and relevant I like to use language that is not yet in the English dictionary. And then spellcheck gets all up in bizness and be going like this be cray cray you can’t spell business like that…but I be like “sorry Mr.Spellcheck I got to me and this is how the playah plaz”…Notice I started that last sentence with the word “and” pretty sure English teachers across the planet would be losing their minds over that one too.

 

So there it is kids I can’t spell or punctuate properly. Probably not the biggest news flash if you have read any of my stuff. So if you don’t mind putting up with all that I would love to have you follow me on my blog….and feel free to share the link with friends,family and foes who have a hate on for people with crappy grammar. Cheers!Image

Posted September 11, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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