Archive for February 2014

I Can’t Remember Where I Left My Mind?   44 comments

 

Missing one mind last seen about 19 years ago. Known associates slender figure and perky boobs. If you should find it do not approach. It is more than likely happy and blissfully unaware that it isn’t exactly where it should be. I like to imagine it living a life full of existential thoughts and brilliant hypothesis on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean.

For a time my mind and I were inseparable. Now I find myself losing it on daily basis. When I was a student we worked together learning new skills, challenging antiquated ideas and strategizing the exact amount of effort required to stay wake during calculus. I was for lack of a better word, brilliant.

I thought that my brain and I were capable of just about anything. Maybe not curing cancer or time travel but I definitely should have been able to pitch my own reality show. Now when I see shows like the Kardashians I am reminded how deep into mindless mediocrity I have sunk.

Now it’s not like I was ever offered a MENSA application but I did have days when I could remember where I parked my car at Costco. Now I just push my cart with the broken wheel around the lot 2 or three times muttering to myself like a lunatic. If anyone asks if I need help I just laugh and tell them that my personal trainer suggested that this kind of exercise is all the rage in Europe and if they would like I could email them the literature.

I remember days when I used to find my keys before I lost them. I could remember appointments without obnoxious prompts from my smart phone. You could ask me the name of best friends aunt that I met that one time at the beach in 1986 and I could rattle it off like it was no big thing. These days if I am able to identify the name of the child I am addressing in less than 3 attempts I feel like I just won final Jeopardy.

I know it’s too late now. My mind has moved on and it forgot to leave me a forwarding address. Sadly if it had left me one I probably would have just put in a safe place with all of my other important stuff. These items much like the body of Jimmy Hoffa are not likely to be located again in my lifetime.

So what happened? What changed?

Is it sleep deprivation? It might be I haven’t slept through the night since….wait what year is it? Suffice it to say it’s been awhile.

Could it be stress…studies have shown that there is a definite link between stress and diminished cognitive function. Although I can’t remember where I read that.

My best guess is my mind vacated the building about 19 years ago this coming March. How can I be so certain you ask? That’s when I became pregnant with my first child and it’s never been the same since. I think my mind had to leave to make room for the rest of me. I became a tiny bit enormous.

It’s not all bad news though, I do occasionally I have intermittent moments of cohesive thoughts. I usually try and do something constructive when they come on like balance my check book or figure out where I left my cell phone, but today I chose to write this instead.

Will my check to the electric company clear this month? It’s possible, but I should make a mental note to buy some candles and put some matches in a safe place.

Who am I kidding chances are this time next week my house will be plunged into darkness and for a moment or two I’ll probably think…Zombie apocalypse? 

 

 

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Posted February 27, 2014 by janyceresh in canada, family, Humour, Mensa, parenting, pregnancy, Uncategorized

Am I A Crazy Canuck?   3 comments

Am I A Crazy Canuck?.

Posted February 22, 2014 by janyceresh in canada, family, Hockey, Humour, Olympics

Am I A Crazy Canuck?   13 comments

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It has come to my attention that while watching Olympic hockey some Canadians have quite literally lost their minds. We as a nation are proud of 3 things the first thing is hockey and the other 2 are….well other stuff..

Sadly, a lot of us are probably genetically predisposed to so called hockey fever. However there are times like these when something almost primal takes over and we take our passion to a whole other level of crazy.

And as I believe an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure…..here are a few warning signs that may indicate that you too might need a 2 minute time out in life’s penalty box.

1. You refuse to wear anything but your teams colours on game day which normally is just patriotic but maybe not so much when it only includes body paint and hair dye.

2. You prefer to be home alone while watching the game because your so called friends have a habit of saying things like:

“Calm down it’s only a game.”

or my personal favourite:

“Are you going to pay for my TV …..cause you just put my kids Xbox through It?”

3. You tend to have conversations/ arguments with the referees that may or not be construed as threats against their person. This may happen pre or post game and usually only if you can sweet talk/bribe your phone company into giving you their home numbers. I’m not saying I’ve done it…but I’m not saying I haven’t..

4. Sometimes you forget to breathe for such a long period that you feel light headed and disorientated. A simple solution is to wear an apnea monitor which will alarm in case of a prolonged absence of breath.

5. During the game you turn off and tune out anything that could become a distraction. I might have once heard a fire alarm and smelled smoke in my building during a playoff game but I can’t be certain….the good news was that we won the game and apparently the fire was contained and on another floor.

6. You scream at your television set using language that would make a porn star blush.

7. Your doctor has recommended adjusting your blood pressure medication and having you continuously monitored for signs of acute angina during the game.

8. You stop drinking liquids 24 hours pre game as to not be conflicted by a call of nature during what might be a pivotal play.

****If you skip this step…and you know who you are…you will more than likely be the proud owner of a port a potty. ( one more reason why watching games with others is not desirable)

9. You are by nature a pacifist but 3 minutes into the first period you are encouraging your team to commit acts that in every day life would have them serving 5 to ten years for attempted manslaughter.

10. And finally ….you know you have a problem when your neighbours have circulated a formal petition to have you sedated and your cable turned off prior to face off tomorrow morning.

If any of these things are affecting you or someone you love, take heart we are a mere 24 hours away from go time…..or as I like to call it gold time. And by this time tomorrow we will be back to our normal polite non confrontational Canadian ways. That is until the NHL play offs begin in April.

 

 

Posted February 22, 2014 by janyceresh in canada, family, Hockey, Humour, Olympics, parenting, Uncategorized

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Dear St Valentine   41 comments

 

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Dear St. Valentine

Thank you for all the sacrifices you made ( not the least of which the loss of your head). Imagine putting your very life in jeopardy so that lovers of non sanctioned religions could be joined in holy matrimony until death or divorce proceedings.

I’m sure if you had realized how long people would eventually live you might have re thought the whole until death do us part portion of the vows. It seems as though some folks over the years have taken that piece a little more literally than perhaps it was intended.

Regardless of all that, I do have some rather pressing questions that I wish you could clear up for me? I realize you have long since passed and may not have foreseen all of the strange traditions that have evolved over the centuries…but you did cure the blind daughter of your jailer so responding from beyond the grave might just be in your wheel house.

Anyway just in case you’re bored here are a few thoughts and ponderings that have troubled me over the years.

1. Why do we celebrate this as a holiday and yet receive no Stat pay or day off in lieu of? I for one think it more than worthy of a day off so that we could spend ttime pondering the significance of your sacrifice to married people everywhere.

I would also think that a day spending time pondering the exclusivity of the people allowed to partake in wedded bliss might also have some merit. If you truly were such a champion of love it does beg the question which side of that little powder keg you might find yourself on.

2. Why do flowers cost 40% more in the week leading up to Valentines day and die 50% faster? I told my husband very early on in our relationship that should he ever waste our hard earned money on flowers as a gesture of romance he will find himself experiencing some alone time in the time out corner. Not that he has ever been particularly romantic ….although for our 6 month anniversary he did buy me a 12 gauge shot gun. Which I thought was rather brave of him..until I realized he hadn’t bought me any shells. Story for another time.

3. Why do we stand fixated in front of a sea of greeting cards in a desperate search to find just the right words that truly depict the depth of our love and devotion to our significant others? Isn’t it enough that we don’t kill them in their sleep? I think that speaks volumes.

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4. A diaper wearing bald baby shooting at people with arrows?  I can’t even begin to phrase the myriad of questions I have  on this disturbing piece of imagery

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5. Why do we have to send our kids to school from the age of kindergarten with 30 valentines cards written to each and every kid in their class including their teachers? I’m all for kids playing the field and keeping their options open but I don’t think I’m comfortable with the idea of my third grader sending love notes to their 47 year old teacher. That kind of logic got Mary Jane Laterno in a whole world of legal trouble and I for one think we should have seen that one coming.

6. Sexy lingerie WTF? Costs a fortune and ends up on the floor in the first 30 seconds. And let’s be honest when a man gives the gift of lingerie it’s really not so much a gift but a bit of a race to see how fast we as women can get Jenny Craig on the phone to somehow bridge the gap between what size our husbands thinks we wear and the reality of our Hagan Daz ice cream loving ass.

Anyway in the off chance you can somehow shine a light on any of my ponderings I would be forever grateful. You don’t have to be all burning bush fancy, a simple hand made card would suffice. Perhaps in the shape of heart?

Respectfully yours
Janyce Resh

Ps no questions need answered on the obligatory valentine chocolate box. That is a no brainer…..

Posted February 10, 2014 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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Better Call A Priest……My Husband Has a Head Cold.   51 comments

 

 

 

My husband is not allowed to get sick. I will not permit it. It has happened before and quite frankly I’m not sure how our marriage survived.

 

That being said. I have set up precautions and they are as follows:

 

1. It is now a punishable offence to enter our home with any signs of illness. We are not by nature a discriminatory family, however if you come here with a runny nose and or complaining of feeling achy you will be asked to leave. Don’t bother trying to fake good health either, I can smell a virus from forty paces and I will have you physically escorted from the premises.

 

2. If by some horrid turn of events a germ festival takes up residence among our ranks I will instantly transform our home to hazmat central. I’m not saying the CDC has consulted with me on tips to better safeguard a population in the event of an out break…but I’m here if they need me.

 

3. I arm him with anti bacterial sprays, gloves and masks.

 

4. I lace his food with so much vitamin c his skin takes on an orangish hue.

 

5. I have a google alert set up for all new cold/ flu preventative medicines.

 

6. Should he become symptomatic I have pre registered him for any and all experimental studies that require test subjects. With the stipulation that if for some reason he receives the placebo they will take full custody of him for the duration of his illness. I have had papers drawn up and a notary on speed dial.

 

You might be asking yourself what’s the big deal. So he gets sick it’s not the end of the world. Unless you are a wife. Than I’m almost certain you understand. Not only do you know what I’m talking about …you’ve been taking notes this whole time. Your welcome.

 

As for the rest of you let me enlighten you.

 

My husband has the pain threshold of a kitten with rickets. I’m not exaggerating. There have been times when he has had the tiniest little cold and he’s taken to his bed utterly convinced that a priest should be called to give him his last rites . And we’re not even catholic.

 

I once had to spoon feed him soup because he was too weak to hold the spoon. In my defence that was very early in our marriage and I was pretty naive.

 

A lot has changed since then not the least of which is we have moved closer to his mom. That way if he gets sick and there are no clinical studies to pawn him off on I can call a cab, grab his little go bag and let his mommy know he’s on his way.  

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Posted February 6, 2014 by janyceresh in family, Humour, parenting

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CAN I VALET PARK MY CRAZY HERE….And Will you Validate?   37 comments

 

 

 

Recently I decided I needed to come up with a new place to park my crazy. I had been setting up camp on Facebook and sharing my rants with friends and family for the better part of forever and I felt they all deserved a break. Poor puppies. Every time I had a bee in my bonnet about something I would smear it across my status with the shamelessness of a Kardashian.

 

I knew I needed to branch out and reach a new audience for my brand of silly. One that wasn’t already tethered to me by DNA or by the inability to locate the unfriend option on their Facebook.

 

So I found WordPress.com and in finding this I found my people.

 

Everyday I get to sneak a peak into the lives of people from all walks of life and from all over the world.

 

Your blogs inspire me.

 

Some of your words and lives bare the truth as naked and raw as your souls will allow. The grace in which others triumph over adversity is humbling. I love to laugh and so many of you are magicians at finding the funny where many would or could not. Still others use art and photography to brilliantly paint your stories.

 

Recently WordPress bestowed a great honour to me. They freshly pressed one of my posts. I was and am so  profoundly grateful to them and all of you who share my love of blogging. Thank you for letting me follow you and not calling me stalker. And to those of you “stalking” following me I’ve removed the restraining orders ….so you’re good to go!

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Posted February 1, 2014 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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