Archive for July 2014

A very unhappy birthday to me   25 comments

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It’s almost my birthday. I couldn’t be less thrilled. I’m not exactly a fan of my birthday. If possible, I would love to skip the day entirely. Why do I need to celebrate the fact that I made it one more time around the sun? Is it supposed to be some kind of reward for not dying? I guess that’s an accomplishment of sorts, but is it really worthy of cake? Not in my opinion.

Speaking of cake, given the recent onslaught of forest fires it was suggested that I refrain from lighting an accurate account of candles on my cake for fear that it might cause the fire department to deploy a water bomber to my house. I told that person to just start running.

Oh birthday, how do I hate thee, let me count the ways.

1. Every 5th one I have to renew my driver’s license, and who doesn’t love a day at the DMV? I get my prison headshot taken by someone even more bitter than me and sometimes, I even get to pay outstanding speeding tickets! Good times.

2. People tell me hysterical jokes, like asking me what it was like before indoor plumbing and if I had a pet dinosaur. The answer is yes and he’s hungry so come on over.

3. You hear things like, “Wow, you look good for your age!” What is that supposed to mean? How is that even a compliment? It’s really just a reminder of how someday, very soon, I will appear exactly right for my age. It’s already starting, and I’m mostly held together at this point with smoke and mirrors. Gravity is yanking on me so hard that it won’t be too long until I’ll have to seriously consider putting parts of me on LoJack.

4. People buy me gifts. Things I wouldn’t buy for myself. Mostly because I wouldn’t want them, and I have taste. My husband bought be a vacuum cleaner for one birthday and it sucked.

5. One time back when I was single my girlfriends took me to a bar for my birthday. It was ladies night, and I saw things that can’t ever be unseen; believe me, I’ve tried. My therapist believes that in time I’ll make a full recovery, but it’s been over twenty years so I’m starting to think she might be wrong.

It’s not that I mind getting older given that the alternative is death, but there comes a time when your closer to the end than the beginning and it starts to get real. So keep your hollow happy birthday greetings, questionable gifts, and cakes that depict towering infernos. If you want to know what I want this year for my birthday it’s pretty simple, a little peace, a lot of quiet, and a number for a good plastic surgeon.

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Posted July 30, 2014 by janyceresh in Humour, Uncategorized

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I have the directional sense of a fruitfly in a windstorm.   23 comments

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I have the directional sense of a fruit fly in a windstorm. There have been times in my life when finding my way to an unfamiliar place have resulted in tears. Not always mine. Not shocking when you consider the time I placed numerous phone calls for assistance one of which may have been to 911, stopped at two separate gas stations and slowly followed a kid on a bike asking if he knew where Shelly lived? I don’t think he did though, because he just started yelling “stranger danger”and sped off into a park.

My husband on the other hand could find his way out of a jungle with nothing more than a leaf and paper clip. He used to ask me to read the map for him when we were travelling. The reason he doesn’t anymore is because I have threatened to charge him with spousal abuse if it ever happens again. I just looked that up, and as of today it is not actually considered abuse, but laws can be changed and he knows how motivated I am to be right about stuff.

Sometimes people ask me for directions to places I am or I have been in the past. Usually we are speaking on the phone at the time and I find myself gesturing and pointing, when indicating where they they should turn left and or right. Surprisingly signing on a cellular device does not translate well and they usually just change the subject or become awkwardly silent as if waiting for me to speak or something. You can’t help everyone I guess.

Recently I got lost at a mall. Not a strip mall obviously,but one of those big crazy labyrinths of endless stores, food courts, and kiosks . I called home and told them I wouldn’t be home for dinner, It was 9:30 in the morning. I know when to be pragmatic and the kids need to eat. It’s not that the mall design folks don’t try to be helpful. They do have those “YOU ARE HERE” signs posted at regular intervals. However they are about as helpful to me as a bag of cats, because generally I don’t know where “here” is to begin with, so finding out my way to “there” is pretty much a non starter.

My mapping skills or that whole east west north south geography thing are about as honed as a dead pigeon too. When someone tells me to head north, I feel compelled to find a tree with moss on it. I was a girl guide and I learned that moss only grows on the north side of a tree. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a tree with moss on it at the mall? Well let’s just say if it’s out there I haven’t found it yet.

Not long ago someone suggested I purchase a navigational unit that is designed to verbally instruct the driver on how to get from point A to point B. This was one of the greatest days of my life followed shortly thereafter by a near death experience.

It started out so well. I programmed my unit to help me get to my brothers house in maple ridge Which is about a 5 hour drive from my home. Off I went with the nice British fellow I had selected on the device to guide me giving me helpful instructions at pivotal points along my journey.

After awhile it was nighttime and the weather turned to rain and fog. I wasn’t too worried as I was pretty close to my final destination. Looking back on how literal that last part could have been, just gave me goosebumps. I was driving down a very dark narrow road with mist as thick as glue and my visibility was limited to about two car lengths in front of me. Still felt pretty confident with Charles (I named him that because he seemed quite regal and perhaps the tiniest bit bald)

Then out of the darkness, I found myself a mere three feet away from driving directly into a lake. I was at a ferry crossing that had long since closed. I braked hard and turned the car around feeling a deep sense of shock. Charles did not like my new course and he kept telling me he was “re calculating route” and instructing me to make a u-turn as soon as possible. It became clear to me that Charles was trying to kill me.

I pulled over and called my brother. He was able to figure out where I was calling from, not sure how, because I am almost certain all I kept saying was ” I can’t believe Charles wants me to drive off a pier.”

After that happened I made peace with myself, and decided I’ll just have to be okay with getting lost from time to time. Its probably not the worst skill to not have. I can make an awesome lasagna and you can’t be great at everything, it’s obnoxious. As for Charles he is no longer a part of my life. He has been re routed back from whence he came because I am not going to reside with a homicidal machine. I have seen Transformers and the Terminator and I recognize a bad seed when I see one.

Posted July 21, 2014 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

Is it a bathing suit? Or a cautionary tale?   13 comments

Occasionally I ponder things. Not the big things, like are we alone in the universe or why it always rains about 12 hours after I wash my car. But from time to time I do think about the little nonsensical things that are of little or no importance to most everybody else on the planet.

You see, I guess deep down, I would like to be more contemplative but thinking the big thoughts is a real time sucker and I’m not entirely sure I’m all that qualified to comment on most of them. Philosophy seemed like it might have been a good college course to take but I was too busy thinking about how to get a job.

That being said I am currently pondering a bit of sticky wicket and I feel compelled to put it out there in the universe so that others might ponder it too. I’m sure it comes as no surprise but for those of us in the northern hemisphere summer has arrived (sort of) and with it brings (in my opinion) a myriad of social issues. One of which I’d like to discuss.

Should swimming suits be more expensive when they are merely a suggestion? What I mean to say is, when the coverage of said swim suit is not much more than a pasty and a bit of string?

Take a moment. Talk amongst yourselves.

I find myself wondering if it is the strategic engineering of the garment that drives the cost? It must be….I bet that there is a plethora ( word of the day…your welcome) of scientists held up in lab somewhere, probably Germany ( world famous for their engineering capabilities) coming up with these mind boggling designs. And If I were to hazard a guess I’d have to say that some of these suits must employ a degree of witchcraft and or prayer to keep them from revealing all the secrets of a woman’s nether regions.

And while I applaud their efforts….geniuses all…it begs the question what’s the point? Why would anyone willingly pay any amount of money for the mere illusion of a swim suit? Whatever happened to the speedo with its full coverage and snappy little logo. You could really swim in those without fear of exposing any of your bits or bobs. After all who wants to be the reason little Johnny learns about anatomy at the ripe old age 5. Not me.

Anyway regardless of all that this was just a thought I found myself thinking. If I am asked why it came to me on this particular day I’d have to say “no comment”. A girl should never discuss what she sees in the mirror of a changing room during bathing suit season. It’s just not decent.

Posted July 5, 2014 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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