Archive for the ‘canada’ Category

Our life is like drywall dust….you never know where we’re going to land   5 comments

IMG_0456A year ago today…my life was unfolding nicely. We had just finished our latest home improvement project/necessary repair of damage caused by a huge bathroom flood, and we were enjoying a much needed time out from the gang at Home Depot. Lovely people, helpful, super styling in their orange aprons; but sometimes you just have to widen your social circle to include those who don’t know the intimate details of every structural failure your home has ever bestowed upon you. It was also nice to have some disposable income again for those little extras like food and name brand toilet paper.

Did I mention we completely renovated our entire house top to bottom? I didn’t? Well let’s back this story up to the beginning of the end. ( if you chose to…now would be a good time to bask in the excitement of my flawless foreshadowing) take as long as you like. The story will continue as soon as your finished.

And for those of you just rejoining us …back to the story …or as like to call it the Reno to end all others.

It all began one morning in late August. I was headed downstairs to do laundry when I felt a drop of water land on my head. I looked up and to my horror saw that the ceiling light was filled with water and once again I knew that our house was giving us the middle finger.

The leak was coming from the ensuite. So the demo began. However, once we changed the tiles, tub, toilet, vanity and re-painted the bathroom the rest of the house didn’t quite match up. So logically we decided to rip up the rest of the flooring and replace it too. And as anyone knows if you’re replacing the floors it’s a perfect time to paint and install wainscotting …so of course we did. This was turning into a real life “if you give a mouse a cookie” situation..

Once we had finished the painting, the light fixtures looked tired so we replaced the lot, and after we shed the new light on the old kitchen cupboards well you know they had to go too. Going without an en suite for 6 months meant I had spent a lot more time in the main bathroom and it inspired me to change out the vanity and toilet in both the remaining bathrooms. I felt there should be a cohesive flow to the house and they were really the only rooms that had remained unchanged and It seemed cruel to leave them out.

Spoiler alert.. we went with the low flow push button flush option on the toilet, I thought it would get the kids excited about flushing again….it did not.

Side note. If you ever decide to change out the flooring of your house and have pets and reside with numerous people who are incapable of removing footwear or carrying a beverage without splashing it all about like a drunken cave person, you must avoid purchasing and installing black tile. It was a beautiful lesson in buyers remorse if ever I’ve lived one and I have lived a few of those in my time. But glass half full gal that I am, I managed to push through with a tiny tweak to my medication and a slightly lower bulb wattage. Sometimes the dark is the least scariest place to be.

So after all that fuss we were suddenly project-less. Having nothing on our home improvement “to do” list was something we had only ever dreamed about, an impossible goal like me finally losing the baby weight or my husband cooking an edible meal. It was our Mount Everest and we had made it to the top; and much like Everest the view from there was spectacular (minus the black tile floors of course) and for 5 maybe 10 days we were content.

You see, the thing about achieving the impossible that people never talk about is that once you’ve done it, and the dust settles ( literally…because dry wall dust can linger like a chilli fart in a hot car mid July…true story) you find yourself in a sort of anti climactic state. The day to day moan and groan of the project is suddenly over and you’ve got nothing but free time.

So we decided to travel. We went to Victoria, Cabo San Lucas ( where we got a little drunk and bought a time share…another story for another day) and finally we took a cruise from New York City up through Atlantic Canada.

And that’s when it happened; when everything changed. Caution met wind and said “what the hell” and reason and logic decided to pack their bags call the movers and change time zones. We had an epiphany and it’s name was Cape Breton Nova Scotia. One minute we’re floating on the Atlantic eating at a lacklustre buffet and the next we are moving clear across Canada a mere 6,020 km from home.

Most people thought we had lost our minds, some people even speculated we had been entered the witness protection program. The truth is we’d found a new mountain top to climb.(not literally…I have a fear of heights and feel strongly that ascending mountains that require an oxygen tank and changes to my life insurance disclosure form are going to remain forever on my “never gonna happen” bucket list)

I guess for us life is supposed to be an adventure. Never dull never boring. And in keeping with that theme….I’ve saved the best for last..

We bought our new house on line sight unseen. Super exciting ( she wrote with a thick note of sarcasm) We Skyped the house inspection and our internet connection was spotty at best. Hind sight being 20/20 I would probably remember to not do that again because apparently during one of the spotty bits we missed the part that discussed the significant furnace and plumbing issues.

So as you can imagine, It’s been a roller coaster ride from the get go. So many stories. Like the one about the the septic system backing up into the basement 2 days after we moved in. Or the one where we left our milk out of the fridge over night and it was frozen like a slushy in the morning due to the furnace not being hugely functional.

Our beautiful new home is 125 years old and leaks like a broken sieve. It might try and break us but we will not falter. And while it’s true we may just have met our white whale, only time and me will tell that story, for now we ( and when I say “we” I am referring to my husband) will strap on our tool belts and charge up our power tools. We have preferred parking at homedepot and a new credit limit is being discussed. Let the adventures begin!

Babysitting Chaos   3 comments

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So we finally finished the house. Yeah us!,

 

We got it just the way we always dreamed it could be…it was perfect. Well…apart from the black tile floors.

 

Don’t get me wrong they were stunning…I first met them in the dust free, pet free, humans having a life free …showroom of our local flooring store. I fell in love..so elegant..so rich looking…I just had to have them…..I imagined the statement they would make when I moved them into my home…how they would majestically redefine the hallways, the kitchen, the bathrooms, the family room, laundry room and the staircase…in that moment I felt as though nothing would ever feel so right.
And then the man came and laid my beautiful treasured tile…and in an instant I knew nothing would ever be right again.

 

 

They were a mistake…huge mistake…a huge soul sucking mistake…Did you know that black tile floors expose every single fleck of dirt, dust and hair and magnify them to the power of infinity? I had to up my OCD medication just so I didn’t stand in the corner all day wielding a Swiffer wet jet like lady Macbeth…screaming “Out, damned spot.” It was a thing…I got help…it didn’t help…so we put the house up for sale.

 

 

Yes, you heard me….we decided to move…

 

 

No, not just because of the tile…I mean obviously….we’re not that obsessive….however if questioned in a court of law….I would be unable to deny ….under oath…that it was not not a contributing factor.

 
The truth is we went on a cruise and one of the places we visited was Nova Scotia and we fell in love. Not like the “black tile” love…that ended in betrayal and sadness…but real life affirming this feels like home…love. We jokingly said if there was ever a job opportunity there we would seriously consider moving.

 

 

Never joke…true story…you’re welcome.

 
Now, I’m pretty convinced the Universe eavesdrops on my off the cuff remarks like an ambulance chasing lawyer desperate to have some relevant skin in the game. I could be wrong…but just one week later, we were staring at a job offer that was too good to turn down…and 2 weeks after that we were sitting at our dining room table talking to a realtor about home cost evaluations and curb appeal.

 

 

And just one short month later …contracts were signed, our house was sold and the movers were booked. It was November 25th and in a mere 5 days we would be leaving beautiful British Columbia to start our new adventure in Sydney Nova Scotia.

 

 

You’d think the story would just end there, wouldn’t you? Probably for most people it would. But our family’s freak flag flies torn and tattered and at half mast at least fifty percent of the time so this story is not quite over yet.

 
You see we operate under the assumption that Irony and Bad Luck had a love child (Chaos- its Christian name) and when they want a night off….they leave Chaos at our house for safe keeping.
I remember it as though it were yesterday…it was Friday night and I was watching the news and a story came on about a massive flood in our almost new town of Sydney. I remember thinking it was very sad.

 

 

Now at that time I did not know I was babysitting Chaos….they truly are the worst parents….they never call ahead and make sure I’m free….they just drop him off and run…usually I don’t even know he’s there until it’s too late…and yes I have tried calling child protective services…but the last time I did they just opened a file on me….which I thought was very rude and completely unsupportive.

 

 

Anyway that night as we slept…blissfully unaware that Chaos was in our charge….our dishwasher sprung a leak and by morning our ceiling was buckling and we had 3 inches of water in our basement. It seemed that Chaos wasn’t very sleepy that night so he decided to entertain himself by making our home into a rather sad little water park.

 

We were to close on the sale of our house 6 days later.

 

 

The good news is it all worked out. Not without a modicum of trouble and strife but all things being what they are…for us…business as usual.

 

 

The bad news…It’s the end of this chapter…but don’t worry…I haven’t even got to the good part…so stay tuned…

Lost my voice…so I found a brush   7 comments

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I’m not….so maybe you’re not too?   2 comments

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I’ m not a lot of things. In fact, the laundry lists of things that I am not, is quite impressive if I do say so myself. For example I am not a man nor am I pigeon or a particularly skilled athlete. The latter can be attested to by anyone who has ever watched me participate in any activity that requires both my brain and my body to coordinate in any meaningful way.

 

I once dislocated my knee in the 30 seconds it took me to stand up and walk over to the dance floor. True story. Luckily the fellow with whom I had attempted to dance with was able to quickly slam it back into place. He had that skill set. So while I always knew that I shouldn’t walk and chew gum at the same time without a supervising medic, I know have to live with the painful knowledge that just plain walking is not something that I am gifted at.

 

So I’m not coordinated. I own that. I’m fine with it and if I find myself in situations that require me to perform acts that could cause me bodily harm I wear a helmet and make sure my health insurance is current. I like being prepared. That’s my skill set.

Now if I can accept what it is that I am ‘not’ why can’t more people embrace and accept the limits of their own realities?

So what’s lit the fire in my belly that has lead to yet another one of my epic over shares?

Well the answer to that question my friends is simply this: crappy drivers.

 

Just because you can spell the word “car” doesn’t mean should drive one. For example. If you consistently drive in the left lane a minimum of 10km below the posted speed limit, whilst seemingly sharing recipes with the driver keeping pace with you in the right lane. You should both immediately pull over, put your vehicles in park and burn your drivers license and or your cars. Now of course there is no law requiring to do so…but it is fair to say that driving is ‘not’ your thing. It’s ok, no one will judge for accepting this simple truth about yourself.

 

Animals have zero difficulty accepting what they are and aren’t capable of. Case in point, you will probably never see cats teaching quantum physics or sharks climbing Mount Everest. I say probably, because I am also not a zoologist and I would be remiss in speculating on the possibility of either one of these things occurring at some later date. However as of this minute it would appear it is still well beyond their current evolutionary purview.

 
So, if genetically speaking, we are all predestined to live within our own evolutionary constraints; why do so many people fight against it with every fathom of their being. It’s okay not to be awesome at everything. It’s okay to not to be much good at most things….I am in fact the living breathing testament to that statement. That being said, if you are this driver or you know this driver …do mankind a favour, stop trying to do what your not good at….and maybe just call a cab.

My social indictment of the selfie   24 comments

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What the selfie is happening to us humans? If I see one more teenage girl using her phone to take a picture of herself wearing a surprised duck face I am going to be forced to make a citizens arrest.

I could you know. It’s a thing… I looked it up….

The criminal code of Canada allows for a citizen to detain and charge an individual who has performed an indecent act. Now I realize I may be taking some liberties in my interpretation of the law, but I have watched the entire series of Ally Mcbeal and Boston Legal on Netflix so I feel pretty confident that I could make a very strong case.

I would further argue that the selfie stick should be registered and included in the list of prohibitive and restricted weapons. With all these crazy narcissists waving them about in public, it is only a matter of time before they impale some innocent bystander and or somebody loses an eye.

You know the old saying “it’s all fun and games until somebody’s on their way to the emergency room.”
I’m not saying they should do time in a maximum security facility but I would definitely advocate some jail time in that prison I’ve seen on the show Orange is the new black. Try taking a good selfie with a disposable one shot camera wearing a shapeless prison jumpsuit and posting it to Facebook. I dare you.

Sometimes I close my eyes and remember a quieter gentler time, when people had the good sense to resist the urge to capture every inane moment and faked facial expression that occurred in their lives. I’m reminded of the days of old when taking pictures was reserved for special occasions like birthdays, weddings, funerals, gathering evidence for a criminal investigation or to leverage a better settlement in a divorce. Those were kinder gentler times.

To those of you out there who are guilty of this non crime…..be warned. Life has funny way of self correcting, and if you insist on taking your picture posing like you just had your lips sucked up in vacuum you run the real risk of capturing the enduring image …..of an idiot.
Sent from my iPad

Posted January 14, 2016 by janyceresh in canada, family, Funny, Humour, ipads, iphones, Uncategorized

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Death of a Dishwasher   39 comments

Recently, my dishwasher passed away. We held a small funeral; immediate family members only. It was a sad day, but as I’m not one to dwell, I put on my big girl pants and started shopping for a replacement. Sounds callous, I know, but I think wherever old Dishy Mcdisherson is, she understands.

It didn’t take long to find the “one”. She was perfect. Gleaming stainless steel with a heavy load capacity. She even had a food disposer, which is great for us because my children think pre-scraping is something that happens right before they start a fight with one another.

I was in love, or at the very least, willing to stop seeing other dishwashers.

I purchased her and brought her to her new forever home. Weird how I refer to her as a her . . . Perhaps because doing the dishes is a woman’s job . . . Said no woman ever. I just put that in there to see if you were paying attention.

Anyhow, back to my story.

I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to have her moved in so she could begin making my dishes sparkle and my silverware shine. I called my husband and told him to strap on his work belt, charge up his power tools and channel his inner handyman.

When I arrived home my hubby and I brought her in and carefully carried her up the stairs and into our kitchen. I should qualify the word “carefully”. We may have hit a wall or two on the way up, which will probably require a smidge or so of dry wall repair and a dab of paint but luckily, she came through unscathed.

At that point, feeling I had done my part, I left to share the big news with my Facebook friends. Just as I was about to send my exciting status update, however, I heard my husband express himself in the most colourful way. Judging by his tone and his preference for words that rhyme “truck “and “spit”, I immediately knew that something was amiss.

I called out, asked him what was the matter. He then said three words to me that I will never forget.

“It doesn’t fit.” Just like me in high school, she was too tall.

I couldn’t believe it. How was this possible? I had done all the research, asked all the right questions. I had even stared into the salesman’s eyes and asked him “is that your best price?” This situation was unacceptable. I told my husband to take the wheels off and any other non-essential parts; make it fit. Sadly, he had already thought of that.

So I walked away. I needed time to think and my husband was starting to become poor company to be around. It wasn’t five minutes later that I heard the sound. It didn’t make sense at first; it was just this loud buzzing and grinding noise.

I followed the sound into the kitchen and it was there I found the source. My husband was wielding a jigsaw like Jason from Friday the 13th, minus the hockey mask. It seemed that he had concluded, in his infinite wisdom, to cut our kitchen counter in half and slide her into place. When I asked him how he had come to this decision he said “it didn’t fit…so I made it fit.” While I did argue the method I really couldn’t fight the simplicity of his logic.

So what began as an innocent quest for cleaner dishes ended up as a rather extensive and expensive kitchen renovation.

You might be wondering what the moral of this story is, and that, my friends, is surprisingly simple.

Measure twice ….cut NEVER!!!

 

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I Can’t Remember Where I Left My Mind?   44 comments

 

Missing one mind last seen about 19 years ago. Known associates slender figure and perky boobs. If you should find it do not approach. It is more than likely happy and blissfully unaware that it isn’t exactly where it should be. I like to imagine it living a life full of existential thoughts and brilliant hypothesis on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean.

For a time my mind and I were inseparable. Now I find myself losing it on daily basis. When I was a student we worked together learning new skills, challenging antiquated ideas and strategizing the exact amount of effort required to stay wake during calculus. I was for lack of a better word, brilliant.

I thought that my brain and I were capable of just about anything. Maybe not curing cancer or time travel but I definitely should have been able to pitch my own reality show. Now when I see shows like the Kardashians I am reminded how deep into mindless mediocrity I have sunk.

Now it’s not like I was ever offered a MENSA application but I did have days when I could remember where I parked my car at Costco. Now I just push my cart with the broken wheel around the lot 2 or three times muttering to myself like a lunatic. If anyone asks if I need help I just laugh and tell them that my personal trainer suggested that this kind of exercise is all the rage in Europe and if they would like I could email them the literature.

I remember days when I used to find my keys before I lost them. I could remember appointments without obnoxious prompts from my smart phone. You could ask me the name of best friends aunt that I met that one time at the beach in 1986 and I could rattle it off like it was no big thing. These days if I am able to identify the name of the child I am addressing in less than 3 attempts I feel like I just won final Jeopardy.

I know it’s too late now. My mind has moved on and it forgot to leave me a forwarding address. Sadly if it had left me one I probably would have just put in a safe place with all of my other important stuff. These items much like the body of Jimmy Hoffa are not likely to be located again in my lifetime.

So what happened? What changed?

Is it sleep deprivation? It might be I haven’t slept through the night since….wait what year is it? Suffice it to say it’s been awhile.

Could it be stress…studies have shown that there is a definite link between stress and diminished cognitive function. Although I can’t remember where I read that.

My best guess is my mind vacated the building about 19 years ago this coming March. How can I be so certain you ask? That’s when I became pregnant with my first child and it’s never been the same since. I think my mind had to leave to make room for the rest of me. I became a tiny bit enormous.

It’s not all bad news though, I do occasionally I have intermittent moments of cohesive thoughts. I usually try and do something constructive when they come on like balance my check book or figure out where I left my cell phone, but today I chose to write this instead.

Will my check to the electric company clear this month? It’s possible, but I should make a mental note to buy some candles and put some matches in a safe place.

Who am I kidding chances are this time next week my house will be plunged into darkness and for a moment or two I’ll probably think…Zombie apocalypse? 

 

 

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Posted February 27, 2014 by janyceresh in canada, family, Humour, Mensa, parenting, pregnancy, Uncategorized

Am I A Crazy Canuck?   3 comments

Am I A Crazy Canuck?.

Posted February 22, 2014 by janyceresh in canada, family, Hockey, Humour, Olympics

Am I A Crazy Canuck?   13 comments

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It has come to my attention that while watching Olympic hockey some Canadians have quite literally lost their minds. We as a nation are proud of 3 things the first thing is hockey and the other 2 are….well other stuff..

Sadly, a lot of us are probably genetically predisposed to so called hockey fever. However there are times like these when something almost primal takes over and we take our passion to a whole other level of crazy.

And as I believe an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure…..here are a few warning signs that may indicate that you too might need a 2 minute time out in life’s penalty box.

1. You refuse to wear anything but your teams colours on game day which normally is just patriotic but maybe not so much when it only includes body paint and hair dye.

2. You prefer to be home alone while watching the game because your so called friends have a habit of saying things like:

“Calm down it’s only a game.”

or my personal favourite:

“Are you going to pay for my TV …..cause you just put my kids Xbox through It?”

3. You tend to have conversations/ arguments with the referees that may or not be construed as threats against their person. This may happen pre or post game and usually only if you can sweet talk/bribe your phone company into giving you their home numbers. I’m not saying I’ve done it…but I’m not saying I haven’t..

4. Sometimes you forget to breathe for such a long period that you feel light headed and disorientated. A simple solution is to wear an apnea monitor which will alarm in case of a prolonged absence of breath.

5. During the game you turn off and tune out anything that could become a distraction. I might have once heard a fire alarm and smelled smoke in my building during a playoff game but I can’t be certain….the good news was that we won the game and apparently the fire was contained and on another floor.

6. You scream at your television set using language that would make a porn star blush.

7. Your doctor has recommended adjusting your blood pressure medication and having you continuously monitored for signs of acute angina during the game.

8. You stop drinking liquids 24 hours pre game as to not be conflicted by a call of nature during what might be a pivotal play.

****If you skip this step…and you know who you are…you will more than likely be the proud owner of a port a potty. ( one more reason why watching games with others is not desirable)

9. You are by nature a pacifist but 3 minutes into the first period you are encouraging your team to commit acts that in every day life would have them serving 5 to ten years for attempted manslaughter.

10. And finally ….you know you have a problem when your neighbours have circulated a formal petition to have you sedated and your cable turned off prior to face off tomorrow morning.

If any of these things are affecting you or someone you love, take heart we are a mere 24 hours away from go time…..or as I like to call it gold time. And by this time tomorrow we will be back to our normal polite non confrontational Canadian ways. That is until the NHL play offs begin in April.

 

 

Posted February 22, 2014 by janyceresh in canada, family, Hockey, Humour, Olympics, parenting, Uncategorized

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