Archive for January 2014

THE TRUTH IS……IS I CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH   29 comments

One of things I like to do to relax is watch TV. I would like to sound more cerebral and say in my spare time I enjoy reading Proust and listening to foreign language tapes. But that would be a lie and I try not to lie unless I’m discussing my age or my weight.

I’ve just realized that I’m going to have to Google Proust before I submit this because I have no idea how to spell his name or who he is or even if he is actually a he. I also have no idea why reading him/her is supposed to make me seem intelligent. Now it looks like I’ll probably have to go on Wikipedia to figure that one out. This is starting to sound like more work than I have time for at the moment. I may need a nap.

Now where was I? Oh yes watching the boob tube.

My life philosophy up until that point was never to over think after 8pm. Much like eating after 7 pm it’s just ill advised. That’s why I love TV. It’s simple predictable and generally requires little to no thought.

So there I was all curled up cozy waiting for my favorite sitcom to seduce me into believing it was funny when the most unimaginable thing happened. No, it wasn’t preempted and replaced with a state of union address. It was much worse. I had lost my remote and I was instantly transformed into crisis mode. You see, if I couldn’t locate the remote I would have to……..watch commercials.

I know you feel my pain and can empathize. It’s probably happened to most everyone at some time or another and I do recall a time when we had no choice but to just push through it. However now that I’ve been sampled on this blissful new technology that allows me to control when and what I watch…it’s simply unfathomable to be forced back to the dark days of yore.

So I had a decision to make. I could get up and root around in the dark like a desperate raccoon putting my hands into the deep recesses of couches and finding things that should remain lost. Or I could pull up my big girl panties and brave the insipid onslaught of shameless advertising. Seeing as I wasn’t sure if my tetanus shot was up to date I decided on the latter.

My show began and 9 minutes later we paused for our first commercial break. It started innocently enough. Your average run of the mill cell service providers, a friendly accommodating insurance company ( that one actually made me laugh at the irony) and so on. A mere 2 1/2 minutes later I was returned back to the sweet soothing sounds of canned laughter. I felt ok and I thought I was coping well with this archaic remoteless experience.

Then it took a wee turn.

The ad started out with some poor woman tossing and turning. The commentators voice spoke soothingly to assure me that there was hope for her restless nights. I was feeling good and hopeful that this woman’s suffering would soon end. She sounded so lovely and caring. There were butterfly’s and everyone was smiling. And then….

This same blissful lovingly calm voice started reciting the laundry list of side effects that could potentially occur. It was quite simply horrifying. Her melodic tone told tale of the increased risk of violent episodes, irrational thoughts, suicidal thoughts, anaphylactic shock, heart attack or stroke, liver damage and death just to name a few. All of these things could occur while using this drug that the FDA in its infinite wisdom had approved for joe public. This was madness. Who needs sleep so bad that after listening to this thinks to themselves: ‘I’m just going to roll the dice.’

This seemed unconscionable. I called to my husband and started ranting about the absurdity of it all. I went on and on and felt I was on the verge of writing a strongly worded letter to someone. He just nodded and politely agreed. He asked how I had heard of this drug and I told him I’d seen a commercial. His eyes grew wide with shock and he asked why on earth I would do such a thing? I told him I lost the remote and how it all just fell apart after that.

He told me to calm down, that we would find the remote and attach it to a cinder block and it would never leave us again. I felt better. Not fluttering blue butterfly better but better none the less. I guess I’m just one of those people who can’t handle the truth in advertising…even when it’s sugar coated with pretty flying insects. Now throw in a cute kitten playing by a rainbow and all bets are off. Oh no…have I said too much?

PS. I just googled Proust and feel slightly more intelligent.

 

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Posted January 30, 2014 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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THAT SOUNDED MESSY….LET’S JUST MOVE   127 comments

 

 

 

Our house is generally a little sticky, a bit cluttered and usually one load of laundry away from having Hugh Grant declare it a mountain. There have been many times I’ve walked through my front door after a long day and thought if only I had a match and a wee bit of fuel? Not that the scorched dirt policy is necessarily the best option but sometimes in a weak and desperate moment one spitballs an idea or too, that may or may not be considered a possible felony.

 

The thing is, I’m not entirely sure how it gets so bad so quickly. If I didn’t know better I would swear the house itself is on permanent self destruct. Maybe that’s it? Perhaps the house is so lacking in self esteem from years and years of abuse that it has literally given up. I wouldn’t blame it. I gave up years ago.

 

This part is difficult to admit because I’m not a quitter by nature. Sure, I stop doing stuff all the time, but mostly because I get bored or it gets too hard or it’s raining. All very good reasons to not do things anymore, in my personal opinion.

 

I have a gift. Well perhaps not a gift but certainly affinity. You see, I know when to wave the white flag. Sadly it’s not so white because I sometimes get a tiny bit behind on laundry too.

 

I hope I’m in a safe place here. This is bordering on an over-share.

 

Now it wasn’t always this way. For the longest time I swam against the currant of debris. I armed myself with sponges, mops and a variety of miracle cleaning products. Because I still believed in miracles back then. Oh to once again be that naive the things I would do…

 

Every single day, and I would like to say I’m exaggerating but sadly I’m not, I would wake up and spend no less than 3-4 hours cleaning my house. I would get it so spotless surgeries could have been performed there. I would think I was done, but It was never done. It was all just an illusion of being done. Because no sooner had I put away the vacuum and the buckets. I’d hear a splat or an oops or one of children would use the toilet and the moment was lost. The sterile living environment I had slaved to create was no longer.

 

So I had 2 choices. I could continue on my crazy hamster wheel trying desperately to achieve the perfect home or I could be happy. I picked happy. Now don’t get me wrong I still have standards. The house does get cleaned thoroughly once a week. Just not by me.

 

I have a lovely woman who agrees to come to our house and work her mojo. She does her very best to stay ahead of the chaos we create the other six days of the week. She is brave and she is strong and she was willing to sign a non disclosure agreement to never speak of things she sees that may or may not be considered a violation of the health code act.

 

 

 

 

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Posted January 25, 2014 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

One Shoe Over the Cuckoos Nest   41 comments

Do you know how many times my youngest has come home with only one shoe? Of course you don’t, why would you? Let’s just say more than once and leave it at that. His closet is like the lonely hearts club for sneakers. I have a theory that the missing sock in the dryer and this missing shoe thing are some how connected. That maybe they are both living in alternate universe having a big old laugh at my expense. Of course one must first exhaust the more plausible explanations before leaping to that one….at least that’s what my therapist tells me.

If you ask him “where is your other shoe?” He”ll say, “lost it”‘ like its just another day in paradise and there is nothing to see here folks. But I have questions and I need answers. How do you leave with 2 shoes and come back with one and not at some point realize that something is amiss?

So I ask the hard questions.

“When did you last see your shoe? “

Child says ” I don’t know?”

“Did you look for it?”

“Yeah.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know …around?”

“Well keep looking for it. Unless you can say with complete certainty that it was abducted by aliens.”

“Mom, I can’t go outside and look, I only have one shoe.”

At this point in the conversation I usually just find a spot on the wall to bang my head against. It doesn’t help the situation but sometimes I forget what I’m upset about for awhile.

It’s not all bad news though, due to my being frequent shopper I’ve almost convinced the Shoe Warehouse to issue me a punchcard. Yippee!

 

 

Posted January 9, 2014 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD?   16 comments

 

Have you ever opened your mouth and had words spill out that made you literally pause and question does that really require speech?

I can say with complete honesty that with the exception of the one day last spring when I got laryngitis I say things like that every day. The kind of things that for all intents and purposes should never require thought let alone conversation. I have often fantasized that I descended from royalty but never imagined living a life that required me to be queen of the obvious.

Put your hand up if you think this rant has something to do with my kids. Ok put your hand down. People are staring.

This is my reality. I feel as though I am constantly being punked by small people so much so, that I have been known to check for cameras and tiny microphones in and around my home. Ok maybe I’m being paranoid but there are days that I live,that would make for a great “How Not To ( fill in the blank) “video.

So let me paint you a picture of a day in the life. It’s a perfect summer day. The sun is shining and the smell of fresh cut grass means someone has found the lawn mower and probably some other stuff we keep hidden underneath the grass between mowings. I have just arrived home to hear the pleasant sounds of children’s laughter emanating from our backyard. I am drawn toward their revelry and joy because my day has been chaotic and stressful.

So I throw down my briefcase and kick off my shoes and find my way to back door to join in the fun. But as I approach the yard I see something that makes no sense. It’s one of those moments where your eye and brain appear to pulling a fast one on you…aka a mirage moment.

There in the middle of our yard is our trampoline with 2 children playing on it……and 2 children playing “in” it. Yes, I did say in it.

You see one of my little boys thought it would be fun to slice a hole in the trampoline ….and?….well I think that’s where his idea lost a little momentum because upon interrogating ( I mean questioning of course…) him he was unable to explain the logic of it all.

I found myself saying things that started with and ended with ” I have no words” and for a writer who can rant about just about anything that is saying something.

And then I said “but why would you cut a hole in the trampoline?” so many times that I actually considered making it my new meditation mantra.

There have been many times before and since that incident that I have stopped myself in mid sentence and thought ” did I really just say that out loud? Did something just occur in my life that required me to put those particular words together and form that sentence? Where did the logic go and can it be located on a map so that I might go and live there once again?

I used to have a life where common sense was well common. And then a miracle happened well 4 to be exact. My wonderful children. They are my reason for living and sometimes the reason for a quick trip to the pharmacy to pick up my meds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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