A very unhappy birthday to me   25 comments


It’s almost my birthday. I couldn’t be less thrilled. I’m not exactly a fan of my birthday. If possible, I would love to skip the day entirely. Why do I need to celebrate the fact that I made it one more time around the sun? Is it supposed to be some kind of reward for not dying? I guess that’s an accomplishment of sorts, but is it really worthy of cake? Not in my opinion.

Speaking of cake, given the recent onslaught of forest fires it was suggested that I refrain from lighting an accurate account of candles on my cake for fear that it might cause the fire department to deploy a water bomber to my house. I told that person to just start running.

Oh birthday, how do I hate thee, let me count the ways.

1. Every 5th one I have to renew my driver’s license, and who doesn’t love a day at the DMV? I get my prison headshot taken by someone even more bitter than me and sometimes, I even get to pay outstanding speeding tickets! Good times.

2. People tell me hysterical jokes, like asking me what it was like before indoor plumbing and if I had a pet dinosaur. The answer is yes and he’s hungry so come on over.

3. You hear things like, “Wow, you look good for your age!” What is that supposed to mean? How is that even a compliment? It’s really just a reminder of how someday, very soon, I will appear exactly right for my age. It’s already starting, and I’m mostly held together at this point with smoke and mirrors. Gravity is yanking on me so hard that it won’t be too long until I’ll have to seriously consider putting parts of me on LoJack.

4. People buy me gifts. Things I wouldn’t buy for myself. Mostly because I wouldn’t want them, and I have taste. My husband bought be a vacuum cleaner for one birthday and it sucked.

5. One time back when I was single my girlfriends took me to a bar for my birthday. It was ladies night, and I saw things that can’t ever be unseen; believe me, I’ve tried. My therapist believes that in time I’ll make a full recovery, but it’s been over twenty years so I’m starting to think she might be wrong.

It’s not that I mind getting older given that the alternative is death, but there comes a time when your closer to the end than the beginning and it starts to get real. So keep your hollow happy birthday greetings, questionable gifts, and cakes that depict towering infernos. If you want to know what I want this year for my birthday it’s pretty simple, a little peace, a lot of quiet, and a number for a good plastic surgeon.


Posted July 30, 2014 by janyceresh in Humour, Uncategorized

Tagged with , , , , , , ,

25 responses to “A very unhappy birthday to me

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  1. haha well Happy Birthday anyway!
    Diana xo

  2. Except I feel like, if all that last paragraph was what you REALLY wanted? You wouldn’t have written this post. πŸ˜‰ Happy birthday!

  3. What Diana said! πŸ˜€

  4. Ha! Absolutely brilliant. On Shark Tank last week there was a person who had patented tape to hold up our body parts. Like the CEO guy from Fubu shoes said it would work on the Bingo wings. BINGO WINGS! That man has a name for the flap of under-skin on my arm! Get it? Old woman yells Bingo and waves her arm? So the good news? Apparently, you can now scotch tape anything lacking collagen. That’s my gift to you. Have a happy birthday! And thank you for making me chuckle out loud!!

  5. In our family we always ask each other what we’d like for our birthdays. It’s hell having to thank someone for something you hate that nobody would even bother bidding for on ebay. As for driver’s licenses and passports — I look like some kind of deranged lizard-woman. My neck is all skinny and weird in both pictures and, frankly, I’m pretty scaring looking.

  6. Oh come on now! I will bring the black balloons!

  7. Any excuse to eat cake is a great day in my book, even if it means turning another year older. Happy Unbirthday to you!

  8. C’mon, it has been scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays, live longer.

  9. Get a room at a lovely B&B, tell everyone you’re going on vacation for your B-day this year and will not be available by phone, text or social media. Leave all devices behind, draw a hot bath and enjoy yourself. If they insist on gifts, tell them to donate to your favorite charity instead – who can feel bad about that?

  10. “My husband bought be a vacuum cleaner for one birthday and it sucked.”

    That made me laugh out loud. Thanks.

  11. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€
    This is hilarious. When your birth day arrives. turn all clocks to the wall–that includes the microwave and the stove– shut off the phone, unhook the doorbell. If you can manage all that, you’re still fit as a fiddle. Now celebrate THAT!

  12. Aren’t vacuum cleaners SUPPOSED to suck? πŸ˜‰

  13. I gave those damned things up. πŸ˜€
    Happy Birthday!

  14. Haha, this was a good read! Oh well, happy not-dying day.

  15. My dad used to say that you knew you were getting old when you rode in the first car behind the hearse. It meant all your older family was dead. Fortunately for me, when he went, the cemetery was at the church so I didn’t have to ride behind a hearse. That means I am not old. Enjoy your day, even though birthdays are overrated.

  16. Sorry, I have to disagree. Two very important reasons why birthdays rock:

    No 1. CAKE….AND IT’S ALL YOURS. (Share it? Forget that).

    No 2. Age has some serious advantages. People EXPECT you to be cranky and you can say outrageously offensive things to your relatives and they have to put up with it!!

    Or is that just in my family?


  17. Have a great Un-Birthday! Do something you want and to hell with what other s think, after all the day is yours right?

  18. That was hilarious! I must be really old because when people say I look good for my age I am thrilled. Then I feel nostalgic about my pet pterodactyl from my youth.

  19. Happy bday in advance and so sorry your vacuum cleaner sucked! (chuckle) πŸ™‚

  20. Will you hate me if I say ‘happy birthday’ anyway?

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