Dear St. Valentine
Thank you for all the sacrifices you made ( not the least of which the loss of your head). Imagine putting your very life in jeopardy so that lovers of non sanctioned religions could be joined in holy matrimony until death or divorce proceedings.
I’m sure if you had realized how long people would eventually live you might have re thought the whole until death do us part portion of the vows. It seems as though some folks over the years have taken that piece a little more literally than perhaps it was intended.
Regardless of all that, I do have some rather pressing questions that I wish you could clear up for me? I realize you have long since passed and may not have foreseen all of the strange traditions that have evolved over the centuries…but you did cure the blind daughter of your jailer so responding from beyond the grave might just be in your wheel house.
Anyway just in case you’re bored here are a few thoughts and ponderings that have troubled me over the years.
1. Why do we celebrate this as a holiday and yet receive no Stat pay or day off in lieu of? I for one think it more than worthy of a day off so that we could spend ttime pondering the significance of your sacrifice to married people everywhere.
I would also think that a day spending time pondering the exclusivity of the people allowed to partake in wedded bliss might also have some merit. If you truly were such a champion of love it does beg the question which side of that little powder keg you might find yourself on.
2. Why do flowers cost 40% more in the week leading up to Valentines day and die 50% faster? I told my husband very early on in our relationship that should he ever waste our hard earned money on flowers as a gesture of romance he will find himself experiencing some alone time in the time out corner. Not that he has ever been particularly romantic ….although for our 6 month anniversary he did buy me a 12 gauge shot gun. Which I thought was rather brave of him..until I realized he hadn’t bought me any shells. Story for another time.
3. Why do we stand fixated in front of a sea of greeting cards in a desperate search to find just the right words that truly depict the depth of our love and devotion to our significant others? Isn’t it enough that we don’t kill them in their sleep? I think that speaks volumes.
4. A diaper wearing bald baby shooting at people with arrows? I can’t even begin to phrase the myriad of questions I have on this disturbing piece of imagery
5. Why do we have to send our kids to school from the age of kindergarten with 30 valentines cards written to each and every kid in their class including their teachers? I’m all for kids playing the field and keeping their options open but I don’t think I’m comfortable with the idea of my third grader sending love notes to their 47 year old teacher. That kind of logic got Mary Jane Laterno in a whole world of legal trouble and I for one think we should have seen that one coming.
6. Sexy lingerie WTF? Costs a fortune and ends up on the floor in the first 30 seconds. And let’s be honest when a man gives the gift of lingerie it’s really not so much a gift but a bit of a race to see how fast we as women can get Jenny Craig on the phone to somehow bridge the gap between what size our husbands thinks we wear and the reality of our Hagan Daz ice cream loving ass.
Anyway in the off chance you can somehow shine a light on any of my ponderings I would be forever grateful. You don’t have to be all burning bush fancy, a simple hand made card would suffice. Perhaps in the shape of heart?
Ps no questions need answered on the obligatory valentine chocolate box. That is a no brainer…..