Better Call A Priest……My Husband Has a Head Cold.   51 comments

 

 

 

My husband is not allowed to get sick. I will not permit it. It has happened before and quite frankly I’m not sure how our marriage survived.

 

That being said. I have set up precautions and they are as follows:

 

1. It is now a punishable offence to enter our home with any signs of illness. We are not by nature a discriminatory family, however if you come here with a runny nose and or complaining of feeling achy you will be asked to leave. Don’t bother trying to fake good health either, I can smell a virus from forty paces and I will have you physically escorted from the premises.

 

2. If by some horrid turn of events a germ festival takes up residence among our ranks I will instantly transform our home to hazmat central. I’m not saying the CDC has consulted with me on tips to better safeguard a population in the event of an out break…but I’m here if they need me.

 

3. I arm him with anti bacterial sprays, gloves and masks.

 

4. I lace his food with so much vitamin c his skin takes on an orangish hue.

 

5. I have a google alert set up for all new cold/ flu preventative medicines.

 

6. Should he become symptomatic I have pre registered him for any and all experimental studies that require test subjects. With the stipulation that if for some reason he receives the placebo they will take full custody of him for the duration of his illness. I have had papers drawn up and a notary on speed dial.

 

You might be asking yourself what’s the big deal. So he gets sick it’s not the end of the world. Unless you are a wife. Than I’m almost certain you understand. Not only do you know what I’m talking about …you’ve been taking notes this whole time. Your welcome.

 

As for the rest of you let me enlighten you.

 

My husband has the pain threshold of a kitten with rickets. I’m not exaggerating. There have been times when he has had the tiniest little cold and he’s taken to his bed utterly convinced that a priest should be called to give him his last rites . And we’re not even catholic.

 

I once had to spoon feed him soup because he was too weak to hold the spoon. In my defence that was very early in our marriage and I was pretty naive.

 

A lot has changed since then not the least of which is we have moved closer to his mom. That way if he gets sick and there are no clinical studies to pawn him off on I can call a cab, grab his little go bag and let his mommy know he’s on his way.  

                                                        Image

 

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Posted February 6, 2014 by janyceresh in family, Humour, parenting

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51 responses to “Better Call A Priest……My Husband Has a Head Cold.

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  1. My dear, you literally had me laughing out loud! Great post! P.S. hhhhmm, I think I can relate with my big baby (I mean, my hubby!) *grin* Cher xo

    • I am glad you had a giggle…I must say my husband is not entirely happy with me at the moment. I feel perhaps a retaliatory event on the horizon….that’s ok in his heart he knows I speak only truth.

      • *LOL* They seem to prefer we create an illusion of “manliness” in all aspects of their traits, don’t they? However, like you, I speak the truth and I have one of those husbands who would join yours in a retaliatory event! Brothers in arms, no doubt. That’s okay, I’ll send along the tissues and cough drops with mine! 🙂 Cher xo

  2. I read this out loud to my wife. This may have been a mistake! She is rolling on the floor in convulsions, I’d call a priest, but I am one and I don’t know what to do.
    Luckily I am a saint when sick – well I’m a saint all the time it’s part of our Anglican belief system. This was the funniest post I have read in a while – thanks for making us both laugh

    • I’m sure you are the 1 exception to the rule. Ripley’s Believe It Or Not …has been contacted and you should expect a news crew imminently. Best of luck!

      I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  3. Hahahhahahaha! So true! So very true! I died laughing at having him signed up for every experimental study available!!

  4. Hmmmm. And here is used to like your blog….. Not sure I like the smile my wife has on her face after reading this to her……

  5. As you described your husband, I fear that you described me….Except the part about his mother….My mother would tell me to quit whining and GET OUT!! 🙂

  6. Hahaha! Man flu is my number one reason for wanting to dig a husband hole in our backyard! Hadn’t thought of palming him off to clinical studies but it’s worth a try (certainly easier to explain to the authorities than a freshly dug gravesite).
    As usual, so entertaining 🙂

  7. Guilty as charged! My wife and I have our own solution. I go to a hotel and get room service to take care of me and my wife gets the house to herself.

  8. My husband makes a sick kitten look like a superhero. Last time he had a stomach virus, he thought it was a good idea for me to pack up our small children and take him to the hospital because he thought he “might be getting dehydrated”. I brought him a glass of Gatorade and locked him in our bedroom.

  9. Laugh a minute! I have to say, the same can be said for my more dramatic half and she is of the fairer sex. Great post!

  10. I also laughed out loud, as my husband is similar to what you are describing. In all fairness, in our home he is the usual caretaker. It’s his nature, and I fully appreciate it. But when he gets sick… holy crap. I try gently to explain that if I roll my eyes because he needs to discuss his symptoms on a bi-hourly basis, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him. It just means I can’t deal. The most I want when I’m sick is soup, sleep and grill cheese sandwiches. I don’t get the drama. I can’t take the drama. The result is that every time he is ill I end up angry at him. If he even mentions that he thinks he might be coming down with something, my hackles go up. Thanks for sharing your story!

  11. LOL but I have to admit in my home it is me (other than the pain threshold) but if I have a head cold watch out…the motto has been in my family that is momma ain’t happy – then no one ain’t happy!! With all the pain I had to endure over the years even waiting for over a year to get a cortisone shot for my back, I always amazed my family when I got the flu – I always have it worse than before and no one is ever as sick as I!! 😀 I can even do one up on your sick little kitten!

  12. When I get sick, my wife makes me sleep in the dog house. I don’t mind it a bit, it is better than living in a hazmat zone.

  13. Brilliant. I now skip steps 1 – 6 and move straight to ‘ignore the faker’ .

  14. Hahaha. It’s funny, we have the same problem here. It’s a global phenomenon.

  15. My husband has a cold right now. He makes sure to let me know every chance he gets. Does he get out the Day Quil? No. Does he put any Vick’s on his chest? No. Does he even ask me to fix some soup, get out the Day Quil or Vick’s for him? No. I ask him if he’d like one of these things. His reply — “No.” What a pain in the @%&#.

  16. This is TOO funny!

  17. Wait a minute . . . are you married to my husband too? Is he leading a double life?

  18. Check out && follow my blog please

  19. OMG Hilarious! I know just what you mean. And we don’t live near my hubby’s mother so the cab won’t work. I’ve written down the rest. LOL

  20. As a fellow underappreciated husband, I can only sympathize with your other half. And I write this with a itchy throat.The poor man obviously must suffer in silence and is probably a veritable mountain man, a picture of health struggling though a germ ridden world. I’d like to continue but I think I have a fever coming on. My wife should be home soon complaining of a slight stinging sensation while giving birth. (Pff)
    I’ll get the ingredients ready for a hot toddy and let her prepare it and bring it to my blanket swaddled body. It may have developed into pneumonia whilst I’ve taken the time to reply.
    Never fear, I’ll battle on.
    Send the good will feelings of another unsupported sufferer to your poor husband…

    • Oh you poor poodle. I can’t imagine how awful you feel. Does your mommy know your sick? You just rest yourself and don’t worry about a thing except getting better.

      As for your wife, she should pack a go bag and head off for a nice spa weekend. On her way home she should purchase a nice yellow canary and send it in the house a head of her. If it survives she knows it’s safe to return. Best of luck. Chances are you’ll both survive.

  21. Greetings from the south of Africa.
    I’ve told you 37 trillion times; stop exaggerating!!!
    However, here was much giggling and guffawing in this household when I read this to my better half – in the hope that she’d make kind noises of renewed appreciation – not much luck.

    When we decide to contract these inconvenient maladies, we try hard to create as many problems , medically speaking, as possible, so as to make sure the doc REALLY earns his crust and hopefully gives us a bulk discount for services rendered (could be something to do with the Scots heritage). If that doesn’t suffice, we also invite the local wildlife in for an evening of fun and mutual entertainment. At the very least, it takes one’s mind off the snotty condition. Here’s a blog post to encourage your ailing other half: http://ffchips.wordpress.com/2010/08/26/einstein-was-wrong-well-relatively-incorrect/

    Thanks for a great post – I’ll be popping back for more, as soon as I’ve received medical attention for this sore tummy I’ve got… :-).

    Best wishes
    FFC

    • Oh I do hope you recover soon! I would hate yo think how your pain and suffering will affect those you love. My prayers and thoughts are with them.

      • Cackling – brilliant.
        I shall convey your kind sentiments forthwith. Mercifully (for the better half) I’m completely recovered (as the couch said to the TV) and fully mobile. So I have no excuse to languish about and bleat about any discomfort. But I’m sure to think of another reason 🙂

  22. Excellent! If someone walks into my office at work, I ask them nicely to please leave. I have sanitizer for the door handles and frame….

    Thank you for signing up to follow my blog! I hope that you will enjoy my posts! ^..^ B

  23. Haha! I loved the last para 😉 That’s my remedy!

  24. Hikers! Not sure what I fear more, the manful or a mother in law living close enough to treat it!
    Super fun blog!

  25. Note to self: Remember the “mummy tip”. Not even kidding. Next time the dreaded man flu pays a visit in our house, he is going to be all packed and ready to ship off to his mothers. I so don’t have time to play nurses and doctors!

  26. I keep reminding my male colleagues there are no known recorded deaths from manflu…

  27. Thanks for the good advice! And thanks for starting to follow my beginner’s blog! I had a feeling I’m not alone in this business of husbands not being allowed to be sick!

  28. Ha Ha very good. Although ironically as men die much younger than women is probably because they listen to their partners when they tell them they’re not that ill : )

  29. Brilliantly written, hilarious… and true. Oh so true *sigh*

  30. He mat be related to my “bear” a.k.n. my husband, maybe they are twins 😀
    You are very funny

  31. This is hilarious! Your writing is so captivating!

  32. Very you for try nice post! Sweet I want to thank you for the follow! Love your posts! 🙂

  33. Sorry, typo mistake! I meant: Very cute post! Sweet! 🙂

  34. A very cute little saga of the human condition!! Yeah, it has got to be universal or something. The only time I really see my husband looking vulnerable is when he has the flu. I thank you for such an entertaining post, one that made me laugh out loud and commiserate in the best of ways!! Thanks!!

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