If This Is An Emergency, Hang Up and Dial 911… I’m Busy Being Zen   12 comments


The phone is ringing. I hate that. I’m sitting here trying to medicate…I mean meditate…(Don’t judge your not here, you don’t know) and this obnoxious trill invades my solace. How dare it? It’s like it knows exactly when to call. That exact moment when I have 3-4 minutes of free time to do exactly as I please.

It rings and rings and at first I’m all like, “forget you, leave a message and I’ll call you back when your busy doing nothing, see how you like it!” Then I feel guilty that it could be one of my friends trapped under something heavy and they have only 1 minute of battery life left in their phone and I am their only chance at survival. And then I think what an idiot move that would be on there part because I have very poor upper body strength and the chances I could lift this object off of them would be next to zero. So they die anyway.

Then I’d have to live with that guilt because I couldn’t finish the P90x work outs and as if living with that shame isn’t punishment enough. So thanks “friend”. Hope you enjoy the afterlife knowing you caused me to eat my feelings and further exasperate my inability to meet my fitness goals.

Why would you call me anyway? I have a 10 digit phone number…911 is like 3. This makes no sense at all. Call someone whose job it is to save you. They get paid to do that shit. I mean there is probably some union of rescue workers that I would have to join, and dues I’d have to pay. Not to mention I would probably need to take a course to become certified in performing CPR or tracheotomies or whatever the hell your current crisis requires of me.

I’m not even sure if my health insurance would cover me if I sustained an injury while trying to help you. And then where would I be? Did you ever once think about that? How does this little cry for help of yours effect me financially. You do remember I witnessed your last will and testament and there was no mention of compensation for me. This all seems a little selfish if you ask me. Why don’t you call the cat shelter you left that big donation to and see if they’ll send over some of your feline friends to assist you in your time of need?

The phone finally stops ringing. I don’t have caller ID because it’s the house phone and everyone who knows me at all just calls my cell. So it probably wasn’t a friend slowly succumbing to certain death while I played out that crazy rant in my head. I feel quite relieved actually. Like a real weight has been lifted off of me ( ironic I know) anyway I’m going to take the phone off the hook and go back to my meditation. I feel such inner peace when I connect with my spiritual side. It’s so important to just quiet the mind for awhile and just breathe.


Oh for the love of Christmas….the doorbells ringing.



Posted December 31, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

12 responses to “If This Is An Emergency, Hang Up and Dial 911… I’m Busy Being Zen

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  1. I’m with you. I absolutely hate the phone and the doorbell.

  2. It could have been one of those sales calls, and you missed out on the best deal of such-and-such. 😉

  3. I feel your pain. I quit answering my door because the only people who ring it are the same ones who call—solicitors! 🙂

  4. Very funny. Uncannily like the voice in my head 🙂

  5. P90X is the worst.
    Has anyone actually ever completed it? (Aside from his buddies on the DVDs?)
    Thanks for following – looks like we’re kindred spirits!

  6. Nice reading about you

    Thanks for visiting my blog. Be in touch. Browse through the category sections, I feel you may find something of your interest.

  7. Ha ha! You’re hilarious! Thanks for following me and I look forward to reading your stuff. 🙂

  8. LOL… That was a funny read.

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