Archive for December 31, 2013

If This Is An Emergency, Hang Up and Dial 911… I’m Busy Being Zen   12 comments

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The phone is ringing. I hate that. I’m sitting here trying to medicate…I mean meditate…(Don’t judge your not here, you don’t know) and this obnoxious trill invades my solace. How dare it? It’s like it knows exactly when to call. That exact moment when I have 3-4 minutes of free time to do exactly as I please.

It rings and rings and at first I’m all like, “forget you, leave a message and I’ll call you back when your busy doing nothing, see how you like it!” Then I feel guilty that it could be one of my friends trapped under something heavy and they have only 1 minute of battery life left in their phone and I am their only chance at survival. And then I think what an idiot move that would be on there part because I have very poor upper body strength and the chances I could lift this object off of them would be next to zero. So they die anyway.

Then I’d have to live with that guilt because I couldn’t finish the P90x work outs and as if living with that shame isn’t punishment enough. So thanks “friend”. Hope you enjoy the afterlife knowing you caused me to eat my feelings and further exasperate my inability to meet my fitness goals.

Why would you call me anyway? I have a 10 digit phone number…911 is like 3. This makes no sense at all. Call someone whose job it is to save you. They get paid to do that shit. I mean there is probably some union of rescue workers that I would have to join, and dues I’d have to pay. Not to mention I would probably need to take a course to become certified in performing CPR or tracheotomies or whatever the hell your current crisis requires of me.

I’m not even sure if my health insurance would cover me if I sustained an injury while trying to help you. And then where would I be? Did you ever once think about that? How does this little cry for help of yours effect me financially. You do remember I witnessed your last will and testament and there was no mention of compensation for me. This all seems a little selfish if you ask me. Why don’t you call the cat shelter you left that big donation to and see if they’ll send over some of your feline friends to assist you in your time of need?

The phone finally stops ringing. I don’t have caller ID because it’s the house phone and everyone who knows me at all just calls my cell. So it probably wasn’t a friend slowly succumbing to certain death while I played out that crazy rant in my head. I feel quite relieved actually. Like a real weight has been lifted off of me ( ironic I know) anyway I’m going to take the phone off the hook and go back to my meditation. I feel such inner peace when I connect with my spiritual side. It’s so important to just quiet the mind for awhile and just breathe.

Exhale.

Oh for the love of Christmas….the doorbells ringing.

 

Posted December 31, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

7 Reasons I Refuse To Make New Years Resolutions   9 comments

 

 

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I refuse to make any New Years resolutions this year. Why would I? Why should I? You can’t make me. And I’m not gonna. I have my reasons. See below.

1. I have no follow through. Unless you count not making resolutions because I fully intend to follow through on that. So I guess I have selective follow through, like my children have selective hearing.

2. I am already perfect, with the exception of all of my flaws which I consider necessary and rather endearing. There are those that might disagree but that’s maybe something they can resolve to live with.

3. I refuse to change. I’ll make change…you know if you need some quarters for the meter or something, but the change sounds quite horrific. Hot sweats, irritability, hair loss, who came up with this fresh hell? And why would one want actively decide to do this? No thank you sir..I’ll take a pass on this.

4. I’m really busy right now. If I take on more thing I might have to give up some things I actually like to do. Like sleeping or practicing sarcasm on my cat.

5. I have a fear of failure. I don’t really. I’m actually quite good at it and have recently decided that while some might see failure as a flaw, I see it as a well honed skill. I wish I could get paid to fail at stuff…I’d be really wealthy.

6. I have been known in the past to set unrealistic goals. Like being the first wife to not fake orgasm. I really tried…but there was this show I really wanted to watch and I heard the toast pop….so yeah..

7. I’m not a fan of pressure. Unless it is applied by the skillful hands of a licensed masseuse.

It’s not like I’m apposed to setting goals and striving to achieve them. I just like to set the bar in my life on the low side. So I set small goals for myself like remember to breathe and to try and not to fall asleep while driving again. While success is not always achieved it is certainly, in these instances, worthy of pursuing.

So if you are out there today pondering how to be the best you in 2014 remember this. You are already the sum total of all the mistakes, missteps, missed trains, misfortunes and missed goals of your past….and all of these perceived fails and falters have defined the human you were meant to be right now in this moment. Life isn’t about wishing for something better to happen to you tomorrow it’s about feeling better about who you are today.

Happy New Year Everyone!

 

 

 

 

Posted December 31, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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There’s nothing to read here…   13 comments

I have just had the most brilliant epiphany ….I’ve decided to quit my job and win the lottery…..wait a minute….is that right?……oh crackers….damn my dyslexia….that sounded much better in my head. Upon further reflection I have now decided that I will quit my job after I win the lottery. This makes more fiduciary sense but lacks the exciting profoundness of my first statement. You should go back to what you were doing….There is clearly nothing of ant interest to read here.

Posted December 31, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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