My IPhone and I Have Decided To Separate   7 comments

Last night I told iPhone we needed to start seeing other people. It was not an easy decision to make and I am still quite conflicted about it. But I believe that we will, in time, both be better off. You see lately we have been in each others face constantly.

iPhone rings and I come running. iPhone texts and I reach for him like my very life depends on reading his latest epiphany. Which is sad because he is a very lazy writer, and often would only use emoticons to communicate with me. Sometimes it just felt like he was phoning our relationship in.

We were never farther than 3 feet apart and if we ever were, I became a little anxious. What if he was lost? What if I got lost? He always knew where I was, but often times he would disappear for an hour or so and I would have no idea where he was. I’d look everywhere for him. I’d call him but he never answered. I’d imagine him with someone else. It was terrifying. And then he would just show up under a car seat or at some coffee shop that we’d go to from time to time. He’d act all innocent as if it were my fault he’d gone away. That’s not how you treat someone you care about. Is it?

He made me paranoid and co dependent. I was constantly thinking?..What if I missed his call? What if he sent me an instant message and I didn’t respond right away? Would he be mad? Would he think I was mad at him? He was one part slave one part master. I was slowly losing my sense of self. I relied on him for everything. Where should i eat? What time do I have to be there. He was my weatherman, my music man, my Instagram and my mailman all rolled up in one.

We had no secrets. He knew more about my cycle than my gynaecologist. He told me where to go and how long to stay. He made sure I was never lost, late or lunchless. Anytime I needed to know anything from the population of Singapore to when my flight would arrive he was always there with all the answers. It bordered on the obnoxious. I mean who is that smart? It’s not natural. Honestly he made me feel a bit dim when we were together. And who wants to feel like the village idiot when you’re spending time with your significant other.

He frequently knew what I was going to say or write before I did. I used to hate how he was always correcting me in little passive aggressive ways by saying things like “did you mean psychiatrist?” When I would accidentally hit a wrong key on his keyboard. And it’s not as if he was the best speller either. He never once spelled or pronounced my name correctly. It’s Janyce not Janice and stop underlining it as if I don’t know how to spell my own name. The nerve of him!

The truth of it is, it’s my own fault. I have to own the fact that I failed to set healthy boundaries. I willingly gave up my personal power to him and lived a life based solely on his prompts and cues. I was his well trained seal and found myself at the mercy of his every tweet. But that’s all over now. I don’t need him anymore. He can go auto correct some other girl because he and I are through.

And don’t tell him but I’ve actually been seeing someone new. We met on line …who doesn’t these days? Anyway he moved in with me yesterday and he is exactly what I need. I real breath of fresh air. He is younger than iPhone was and all my friends are so jealous. His name is iPad Air ….and I don’t want to jinx it but I think he might be the “one”.

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Posted December 27, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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7 responses to “My IPhone and I Have Decided To Separate

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  1. Absolutely loved that! It sounds like the whole problem might be traceable to a secret mad crush on Inspector Gadget? At least the Ipad won’t run your life like that rude iPhone. Just stand your ground girl or pull that plug! There’ll be a nice Nook or Kindle or Surface to pick you back up shortly after, don’t worry! At least a new App, right?

  2. Oh, you wicked thing you!

  3. If your iPad is anything like mine, he will make you look like an idiot with his insistence on poor spelling and grammar. I’ve gone back to my first “i”!

  4. Well thank goodness I am not the only one. But my Samsung Tablet seems to be getting as bossy and demanding as my i-phone. Think I’ll switch them both off for a week – or maybe not. I might miss something.
    Thanks for reading and liking my blog.

  5. Coo the troubles we all have with ipads, iphones and I anything else….. I take mine to bed with me but I do turn off his juice just in case

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