Archive for December 27, 2013

My IPhone and I Have Decided To Separate   7 comments

Last night I told iPhone we needed to start seeing other people. It was not an easy decision to make and I am still quite conflicted about it. But I believe that we will, in time, both be better off. You see lately we have been in each others face constantly.

iPhone rings and I come running. iPhone texts and I reach for him like my very life depends on reading his latest epiphany. Which is sad because he is a very lazy writer, and often would only use emoticons to communicate with me. Sometimes it just felt like he was phoning our relationship in.

We were never farther than 3 feet apart and if we ever were, I became a little anxious. What if he was lost? What if I got lost? He always knew where I was, but often times he would disappear for an hour or so and I would have no idea where he was. I’d look everywhere for him. I’d call him but he never answered. I’d imagine him with someone else. It was terrifying. And then he would just show up under a car seat or at some coffee shop that we’d go to from time to time. He’d act all innocent as if it were my fault he’d gone away. That’s not how you treat someone you care about. Is it?

He made me paranoid and co dependent. I was constantly thinking?..What if I missed his call? What if he sent me an instant message and I didn’t respond right away? Would he be mad? Would he think I was mad at him? He was one part slave one part master. I was slowly losing my sense of self. I relied on him for everything. Where should i eat? What time do I have to be there. He was my weatherman, my music man, my Instagram and my mailman all rolled up in one.

We had no secrets. He knew more about my cycle than my gynaecologist. He told me where to go and how long to stay. He made sure I was never lost, late or lunchless. Anytime I needed to know anything from the population of Singapore to when my flight would arrive he was always there with all the answers. It bordered on the obnoxious. I mean who is that smart? It’s not natural. Honestly he made me feel a bit dim when we were together. And who wants to feel like the village idiot when you’re spending time with your significant other.

He frequently knew what I was going to say or write before I did. I used to hate how he was always correcting me in little passive aggressive ways by saying things like “did you mean psychiatrist?” When I would accidentally hit a wrong key on his keyboard. And it’s not as if he was the best speller either. He never once spelled or pronounced my name correctly. It’s Janyce not Janice and stop underlining it as if I don’t know how to spell my own name. The nerve of him!

The truth of it is, it’s my own fault. I have to own the fact that I failed to set healthy boundaries. I willingly gave up my personal power to him and lived a life based solely on his prompts and cues. I was his well trained seal and found myself at the mercy of his every tweet. But that’s all over now. I don’t need him anymore. He can go auto correct some other girl because he and I are through.

And don’t tell him but I’ve actually been seeing someone new. We met on line …who doesn’t these days? Anyway he moved in with me yesterday and he is exactly what I need. I real breath of fresh air. He is younger than iPhone was and all my friends are so jealous. His name is iPad Air ….and I don’t want to jinx it but I think he might be the “one”.

Posted December 27, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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I Am Not Invisible….Am I?   28 comments

 

My life is loud. I have one husband, 4 children, 3 dogs, and a cat. We also have two fish named Ethel and Fred and an algae eater named Oscar but they are generally pretty quiet. Most days my house literally vibrates from dawn until around 10pm. It is probably still loud after 10 o’ clock, however, I am usually sound asleep by then and would probably sleep through a zombie apocalypse.

Our kids range in age from 10 to 18 years and they have been making noise since about 5 minutes after conception. Our only daughter is the eldest and then we have 3 boys. I don’t know what she did in a past life to deserve them sometimes, but if I had to guess, I would say either she was a slum lord or a very unscrupulous used car salesperson. A little lesson for you…. Karma is apparently forever and quite unforgiving. But I digress.

Being part of a fairly large family, by today’s standards, it is sometimes challenging to control the volume of our existence. To be honest I’m not entirely sure we would even be capable of locating our mute button. Much like unicorns and ogopogos the entire concept of indoor voices and silence seems almost mythical.

So between dogs barking, music blaring, unwatched televisions blasting endless laugh tracks, my husbands air compressor ( which will inexplicably turn itself on for no apparent reason…usually between 2am and 4 am) my sons screaming at their xbox and my yelling for everyone to turn it all down. We are the very definition of a life lived on full blast and in stereo.

I blame myself. Why wouldn’t I? I set the tone. Unfortunately the tone is set at ten. My excuse is simple. My family is incapable of hearing the sound of my voice. I am essentially white noise, elevator music, a sad pantomime in the middle of a dark theater. My regular voice, that ironically is quite audible to those to whom I am not related, to my children, is completely ineffectual.

Now I should qualify that. If I was to say ” who wants their allowance?” In a voice so low that it would barely register to the human ear they will magically appear at my side before I even have time to complete my next thought. However if I was to say “whose turn is it to take out the garbage?” In my regular voice to 4 children within 3 feet of my person, I will generally receive the blank looks usually reserved for those speaking to them in a foreign language.

So how do I respond? Simple. I raise the level of my voice…not right away of course. I try and practice self control. After all we do have neighbours. But there is that limit, that line in the sand that once it has been breached there is no going back. So after I feel there has been a reasonable period of time (usually 1-2 minutes) between request and response and I have received nothing. I feel compelled on an almost cellular level to raise the decibel of my voice to its maximum vocal capacity. This is more commonly known as a yell or a scream depending on the seriousness of the situation.

Am I proud of this? Of course not. Do I live in a constant shame spiral of parenting despair? Sure I do. Do I anticipate Dr. Phil’s producers to approach me to come on his show to stage an intervention. Every single day. Is my voice sometimes so hoarse I talk like I have a 2 pack a day smoking habit? Yes. But what is the solution?

I LIVE A LIFE THAT REQUIRES ALL CAPS COMMUNICATION.

I know in my heart of hearts I am not the only parent in the known universe that fails to censure themselves in the heat of the moment. I have heard the quiet whispers at mommy and me classes that speak of stories similar to mine. I’ve been to Walmart and I’ve dined at McDonald’s. I’ve seen and bared witness to parents whose children have exposed their last nerve and laughed gleefully while doing so. I’m not saying children are bad I’m just saying they seem to casually push our buttons like they are playing with Wii remotes.

So if you are a parent that has experienced the pain and disillusionment that comes from years and years of unrequited validation. I, for one, would like to take this opportunity to validate you. I heard you. I understand. I know you said it in your Barney voice 17 times before you lost your mind and screamed it out in a voice usually reserved for air craft carrier landing strips. I can appreciate how soul sucking it can be to live in a house where unless you are handing out food or money you are about as noticed as a ghost. I get it and I am on your side.

Now I am sure there are psychologists who can present me a litany of useful tools that can equip me with more positive coping strategies. I know these will emphasize the importance of patience and positive reinforcement when dealing with children who are listening challenged. I understand all this. I’ve read the books and I am familiar with Oprah. It’s just that in my house if you aren’t living out loud in techno colour crazy you may get mistaken for a potted plant that never gets watered because some kid says and I quote ” I never heard you ask me to do that.”

 

Posted December 27, 2013 by janyceresh in Uncategorized

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