If the truth hurts it’s probably a conspiracy.   31 comments

 

There is an evil imp running amok in my home and, while I’ve never actually seen him, I know exactly when he’s been around. I believe he works at night and probably has other ne’er-do-well imps assisting him.  I’m sure he thinks he is amusing.  He is wrong.  The shenanigans he and his fellow miscreants get up to are both cruel and self-esteem-crushing.

What does he do you ask? Well I’ll tell you.

He has been slowly shrinking my pants and other articles of clothing that, only 6 months ago, fit me perfectly.  I think he has a little sewing kit; he sneaks into my closet at night and makes minor adjustments to the waistbands of my trousers.  Nothing too noticeable at first, just a nip here and a tuck there. He is obviously all about the long con.

It’s not just my clothes he’s been sabotaging either.  He has also managed to have all the bathroom scales set 15 pounds heavier.  How he does that is beyond me.  Clearly he has a background in engineering.  Or maybe he is invisible and stands behind me with a foot on the scale while I’m on it.  I really wouldn’t put anything past him.

 

                                                                     Image

Now, how he manipulates my mirrored reflection is beyond me. When I’m standing in front of it, it actually looks as if I’m slightly more robust than I used to be.  Maybe he was once employed at a carnival and was in charge of the House of Mirrors.  It makes sense; I’ve been in those places and they can make anyone look like they follow a strict diet of Ding Dongs, burgers and Big Gulp sodas.

Why is he picking on me, though?  What did I do to deserve such a blatant attack on my self-esteem?  I’m a good person.

I support local charities.  Why, just last week the girl guides came to my door and I bought 8 cases of their thin mint cookies. Not sure what became of them, though. I saw the boxes in the trash a few days later. Maybe the little imps got hungry and helped themselves to my stash.  I certainly couldn’t have consumed them all by myself, and I was the only one who knew where they were.

I am also doing my part to lower my carbon footprint. I used to work out regularly, which caused me to breathe harder and with more frequency. Recognizing that my increased out flow of carbon dioxide could potentially have a negative effect on our already fragile eco-system, I have sacrificed my exercise program for the greater good.  Don’t quote me on the science; I don’t claim to be an expert. I’m just one person trying to make a difference on this great blue marble we call Earth.  It takes a village, people.

Now while I cannot prove with absolute certainty that these imps exist, and that they have been slowly but surely wreaking their havoc on my existence, I have come to a decision which could prove to be quite lucrative. I’m going to start a home-based business. I will provide overnight clothing alterations for a nominal fee.  I’ll hang them up in my closet and put the little scamps to work for me instead of against me.  That will teach them to mess with an entrepreneur.

I have to run; pizza’s here and I have to make sure they didn’t forget the extra cheese. Did I mention how I support local businesses?

 

 

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Posted March 20, 2014 by janyceresh in family, fitness, Humour, parenting, Uncategorized, Weight

31 responses to “If the truth hurts it’s probably a conspiracy.

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  1. My god, you are a saint. Employing the little demons after they wreaked havoc on your wardrobe. (Hilarious, by the way.)

  2. This post is totally beguiling and I like new idea for entrepreneurship. :-)

  3. Guess what? He’s a Frequent Flyer and he shows up in San Diego on a regular basis, too. He’s definitely a “He” imp because when you say out loud, “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?” he’s smart enough to stay silent. (funny as all heck post!!)

  4. I’d recommend IMP-OFF , but I have to admit, nothing’s strong enough to get rid of my imp. :-D

  5. can’t you persuade them to do the housework instead?

  6. Now a house cleaning imp would be nice if found please call me!

  7. Those imps have a world wide company, because whenever I ask my partner who ate my butter cookies, it’s always a mystery. Same with the ice cream.

  8. :) lol

  9. I think the Imps have stock in retail clothing. The more they nip and tuck, the more we have to buy.

  10. I really am following all the rules to lose weight, at least the ones I’m physically able to do. And the ones I can’t do I make up for in my diet. It’s only on rare occasions that I’m eating over 1000 calories in a days time. Yet I need to lose about 35 lb. My poor doctor is baffled by my situation too because he knows that my husband is diabetic. This means there are few carbs in the house.

    That said though, I was told way long ago that a person should gain a little weight as they get older in order to stay healthy. Keep this in mind as you fight the imps.

  11. This really made me smile. Thanks.

  12. That is so ding-dang weird! Because that little gremlin has been running along grabbing my belly and jiggling it every time I walk fast or run. Jiggly, jiggly, jiggly, jiggly all the way up the stairs. And if you’re wondering what he’s doing in your house, then you can imagine how curious I am to know why he’s hiding UP MY SHIRT. Really. The nerve. Let me know how you get rid of him. Bathing suit season is almost upon us and I’m not sure how he’ll look with my polka dot bikini… (As always, thanks for the giggle!)

  13. These imp-udent and importunate imp-osters are a real Imp-osition. They think they are so important and appear implacable. But somehow, the girl guide cookie disappearance seems improbable Hiding them was obviously imp-ractical. These imp-roper Impomaniacs are really having an imp-act. No judgement imp-lied. Good luck.

  14. Lolarious

  15. Thanks for the smiles and laughs! I really enjoyed this! ( and can relate! :> )

  16. Funny stuff. Sounds like the children’s story “The Elves and the Shoemaker.” The elves sneak in at night and turn his little piece of leather into magnificent shoes. Only your elves are not quite so benevolent. I hope you catch the little bastards.

  17. Very good! made me laugh! xxx

  18. Excellent use of sarcasm! Wow! That was hilarious! What a treat. Thanks :-)

  19. You are hilarious and I love your writing! Thanks for checking out my blog too. I am brand new to the blogging world and learning the ropes. Glad I found yours early on :)
    PS That imp has been to my house too!!!

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