I Can’t Remember Where I Left My Mind?

 

Missing one mind last seen about 19 years ago. Known associates slender figure and perky boobs. If you should find it do not approach. It is more than likely happy and blissfully unaware that it isn’t exactly where it should be. I like to imagine it living a life full of existential thoughts and brilliant hypothesis on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean.

For a time my mind and I were inseparable. Now I find myself losing it on daily basis. When I was a student we worked together learning new skills, challenging antiquated ideas and strategizing the exact amount of effort required to stay wake during calculus. I was for lack of a better word, brilliant.

I thought that my brain and I were capable of just about anything. Maybe not curing cancer or time travel but I definitely should have been able to pitch my own reality show. Now when I see shows like the Kardashians I am reminded how deep into mindless mediocrity I have sunk.

Now it’s not like I was ever offered a MENSA application but I did have days when I could remember where I parked my car at Costco. Now I just push my cart with the broken wheel around the lot 2 or three times muttering to myself like a lunatic. If anyone asks if I need help I just laugh and tell them that my personal trainer suggested that this kind of exercise is all the rage in Europe and if they would like I could email them the literature.

I remember days when I used to find my keys before I lost them. I could remember appointments without obnoxious prompts from my smart phone. You could ask me the name of best friends aunt that I met that one time at the beach in 1986 and I could rattle it off like it was no big thing. These days if I am able to identify the name of the child I am addressing in less than 3 attempts I feel like I just won final Jeopardy.

I know it’s too late now. My mind has moved on and it forgot to leave me a forwarding address. Sadly if it had left me one I probably would have just put in a safe place with all of my other important stuff. These items much like the body of Jimmy Hoffa are not likely to be located again in my lifetime.

So what happened? What changed?

Is it sleep deprivation? It might be I haven’t slept through the night since….wait what year is it? Suffice it to say it’s been awhile.

Could it be stress…studies have shown that there is a definite link between stress and diminished cognitive function. Although I can’t remember where I read that.

My best guess is my mind vacated the building about 19 years ago this coming March. How can I be so certain you ask? That’s when I became pregnant with my first child and it’s never been the same since. I think my mind had to leave to make room for the rest of me. I became a tiny bit enormous.

It’s not all bad news though, I do occasionally I have intermittent moments of cohesive thoughts. I usually try and do something constructive when they come on like balance my check book or figure out where I left my cell phone, but today I chose to write this instead.

Will my check to the electric company clear this month? It’s possible, but I should make a mental note to buy some candles and put some matches in a safe place.

Who am I kidding chances are this time next week my house will be plunged into darkness and for a moment or two I’ll probably think…Zombie apocalypse? 

 

 

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44 thoughts on “I Can’t Remember Where I Left My Mind?

  1. Don’t sell yourself short, finding your car at COSTCO is on the practical edition of the MENSA admission test, or not. When you find your mind let me know if mine is keeping yours company. I have gone gluten free to try and help mine return, I am that desperate to recover it. I like your writing style and enjoyed your post.

    • I’m pretty sure that we are just being punked by a malevolent parking attendant. Seriously, I’m not really that sad to see my mind less vibrant. It’s kind of like soft lighting it has a tendency to soften life’s little wrinkles. Thank you for your lovely comment.

    • You might want to have your thyroid checked. Seriously. “Foggy brain” is a symptom of underactive thyroid (or is that just what I tell myself when I can’t remember why I walked into a room?). ;)

    • Funny you should say that. I was sort of hoping that I just had a continuos low grade fever since …last spring?.but now that you mention it…damn. Seriously WTF?? Just when I thought being a woman had maxed out its awesomeness….put a fork in me…I’m done…

    • I remember being at the doctors office late in my pregnancy and the nurse asking me to step on the scale…I told her that I would be ok if she just wrote 132 lbs on the chart…she was kind enough to point out that I didn’t weigh that prior to becoming pregnant. We still correspond. Love her like a cold sore!

  2. This is brilliant. We hardly know each other but you’ve described me to a T. Well, maybe not to a T. Only one point is wrong and that’s when I had my pregnancy, something like four score and seven years ago but that might be all wrong.
    Ha ha ha. And here I thought I’m the only person in the world who’s lost her mind. :-)

  3. Reblogged this on Forget the Viagra, Pass Me a Carrot and commented:
    A new and delightful find – Janyceresh – a witty take on life. This particular blog will resonate with many. There is research to suggest that the elderly simply file memories away and the cabinets are too full for the new ones! This means of course that they can pop in and find perfect recall from 50 years ago but cannot remember where they left their keys. I prefer this explanation and when my mother at 95 would regale me with details of my birth 60 years ago whilst wearing odd shoes, it would cause much hilarity when I suggested we try another cabinet! Thanks Janyceresh.

    • Thank you Kim! What a lovely gift. I have to admit I am a bit remiss in responding to these awards. You see I get these inspirational downloads when I write a piece and then I’m done until next time. I just wanted to thank you and say how grateful I was that you chose me.

  4. Great post. I once went to the mall, parked the car where I was sure I would be able to locate it again. Came out and it was gone! I looked all around the area and knew it should have been there. I knew it had been stolen. I went back int the mall to talk to security, when my mind came back for a quick visit – “you brought Susan’s car not yours” it whispered in my ear. Out in the parking lot, there was Susan’s car, just where I had left mine – how did that happen?

  5. Oh I can so relate! But, I suffered a concussion in December and now I am at least 10 times worse. It’s crazy! I am trying to write things down to help me, but I always forget to do it! :)

  6. Loved this post! the picture of you and broken cart limping around Costco parking lot, and being a tiny bit enormous cracked me up. So glad I found your blog. One of my favorites.

  7. You know, if you do lose your mind, and lose everything else, at least it’s all gotten to the same place, and then relatively speaking isn’t really lost at all, eh?

  8. Love your post. I’m afraid I might have lost my mind as well because as I was clicking the like star on your post , it somehow liked one of my own posts. I quickly received a little reminder telling of my mistake. Your posts are HILARIOUS. Loved the dishwasher tale. I am typing this bit of praise on my cell phone and after every letter it flips up to the title. Gosh only knows how it looks on your page. Never have I had as hard of time giving someone some deserved compliments. Bet if I was being critical it would work perfectly. Please keep is laughing.

  9. Oh my goodness! Your writing is FABULOUS! I haven’t laughed so much in…..hey, wait….what’s that saying?…..is it “years”?
    Seriously thank you so much for following my blog and am I SO happy I decided to stop by! I’ll be back! (Who said that again?)
    And can I just add one thing…..if you can write like this, believe me, wherever your mind is, it’s well, thriving, healthy and in direct communication with YOU!

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